Wednesday, November 25, 2015

2015 Most Inappropriate Gift List - Black Friday Edition

The end of the year can mean only one thing--it's time to shop. To some, Christmas shopping can be a happy experience. To others, it can be torture. Either way, it has to be done.

For the past 5 years, I have been devoted to bringing you  the absolute most inappropriate gifts on the market. I leave it up to you whether or not to give these gifts to people on your list, but in case you do, I always include the link to purchase the inappropriateness. You're welcome.

I got an early start this start this year, so I actually have two lists. The first one is for all you insane people early birds who like to shop crazily early. The second I'll share a little closer to Christmas for the stragglers who wait to the last minute. Enjoy!

2015 Most Inappropriate Gift List - Black Friday Edition

Bacon Flavored Lube

Let's face it, bacon flavoring has jumped the shark. I get that bacon is a tasty, tasty food item. I love everything about it--the smell when its frying, the taste when it's cooked, the leftover grease to fry something else in--but that's it. Artificial bacon flavoring is just not the same. It never lives up to the real thing. So when I saw that bacon flavoring had moved into the personal lubricant arena, I had to put my foot down. Sexy gifts for
your special someone is always a nice surprise, but not when you buy this item. I know that some fellas call their member a "hog," but at no time should it actually smell like one.

Click to go purchase baconlube

Smell My Nuts Candle

A candle is usually a safe gift. For the most part, it is noncontroversial, non-offensive, and, sometimes, actually vanilla. It can be used as a gift for mere acquaintances as well as close family members. However, you must be careful when shopping for these scented fire sticks. Although the candle is scented with lovely banana bread or hazelnuts, its name may imply something else. This may turn the innocent gift for your teacher, hairdresser, or mailman into an invitation that is all together inappropriate.

Click to go purchase Smell My Nuts

Cheesus Grilled Cheese Maker
Cheesus Cheese Grater
Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. As such, many gifts featuring JC are popular during this time of year. Prints of the Last Supper, Nativity sets, and even Bibles are always in style with the Christian gift giver. These gifts usually tend to be given to grandmothers, older aunts and uncles, and church friends. In an effort to make Jesus available to the hipster crowd, more and
more items feature the Big Guy in unconventional ways. Some of these work. Most do not. For instance, there is no circumstance I can imagine that a grilled cheese would be better with a picture of Jesus on it. The same goes for grating cheese. Just because you grate your parmesan with a Jesus-faced grater doesn't mean you are blessed. Furthermore, changing his name to Cheesus seems like an invitation for a lightening strike.

Click to go purchase Cheesus Grilled Cheese Maker*** Click to go purchase Cheesus Cheese Grater

Play All Day Elmo

Do I really need to explain why Elmo is inappropriate? How many years now have we Americans been subjected to the incessant giggling, tickling, laughing, and talking of this red, fuzzy--and I'm just going to say it--not so cute Grover wannabe? This incarnation of Elmo is as big as a small child and has, get this, 150+ vocal responses. It plays games and I'm not sure, but it probably goes to the bathroom, too. All while giggling and asking to be tickled. Just say no.

Click to go purchase Annoying Elmo

What's Your Poo Telling You?

Book lovers are some of the easiest people to buy gifts for at Christmas. Whether it be a new bestseller, an old classic, or a nice coffee table book, you hardly can go wrong with a book. A few self-help books are acceptable, but only if you are so tight with the recipient that you have discussed the problem the book addresses. Cookbooks are always welcomed by both bibliophiles and foodies. A book that explains how to examine your "waste" is not appropriate. An example of some types of doo-doo explained in the book include The Log Jam, The Glass Shard, The Deja Poo, and The Hanging Chad. To add insult to injury, as an accompaniment, there is a What's Your Poo Telling You Activity Book. I DO NOT want to know what the activities listed are or what is needed to complete them. 

Click to go purchase What's Your Poo Telling You?

Golden Girl Panties

The Golden Girls are an American institution. They are television royalty. Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia continue to give us advice and mad-capped adventures from sunny Miami daily via syndication. Because of their popularity, there are tons of GG items to choose from when buying a themed gift. Golden Girl fans are always happy to receive magnets with witty sayings, dvd collections, or even whimsical GG bobble heads. However, under no circumstances should the fantastic foursome be placed on panties. Their hallowed heads do not need to rub your undercarriage. If just panties weren't enough, the Blanche variety are crotchless. As Blanche herself said, "There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line."

Click to go purchase Golden Girl Panties

Dream Man Pillow
There is no need in reminding the single people in your life that they are alone. But in case you decide you want to do that exact thing, the Dream Man Pillow can be a constant reminder for your spinster aunt or awkward uncle. Nightly, the recipients can get in bed and cuddle up to a cold polyester sleeve shaped in a form that will encourage a false sense of security and will dull the pain of knowing if death comes during the night, no one will likely find them for at least a week.

Click to go purchase Dream Man Pillow

Testicle Tea Bag


Tea is usually a very classy gift. You can choose a nice teapot with a variety of herbal teas, a nice brewer with some classic English breakfast blend, or loose-leaf teas and a funky infuser. Tea is popular and drunk by just about every type--preppy, emo, writers, artists, athletes, parents. It is difficult to make this item inappropriate. Thankfully, a way was found. The tea bag shaped as a set of male testicles perfectly does the trick. There is nothing like dipping and dunking a man's junk into a cup of hot water and watching the contents diffuse into a tasty beverage. Just when you thought this gift couldn't get better, the company tagline is, "You've been #teabagged."

Click go purchase Testicle Tea Bags

Belly Button Buttons
Buttons help people express themselves. Funny sayings, sage advice, and general information can be conveyed by simply wearing a pin-button. They encourage conversation and interaction so much that many restaurants have their servers wear as many buttons as possible in order to engage their customers and seem friendlier. Belly Button Buttons, however, may not have the same effect. The package comes with a variety of styles--innies, outies, hairy, smooth. Also attached is a bully button lint brush which can be used on actual belly buttons. An added bonus!

Click to go purchase Belly Buttons

This list should get you going on your quest for the perfect inappropriate gift this year. The last minute Inappropriate Gift List will be released in a few weeks.

If you have any suggestions for that list or come across a gift that is so inappropriate you can't stand it, PLEASE leave me a note in the comments and let me know!

Until then, happy shopping!

Friday, November 20, 2015

What He Did For Love

(This is where I live.)
I am from the mountains. As much as I have tried not to be in the past, I am a country boy, and even though it is not in my constitution to hunt, I have never turned down a piece of fresh deer jerky. I don't like to work for the meat, but I do enjoy eating it.

Here in Kentucky, November ushers in deer hunting season. Men and women wait all year for the chance to bag a buck or snag a doe. The local butchers call this their busy season because the easiest way to turn your deer into meat is to let a professional do it.


(Someone has a new profile pic!)
One look at my Facebook feed shows how popular hunting
is in my area. Pictures of newly slain deer being held up to the
camera by a smiling hunter are as common as pictures from an acquaintance's  baby's birthday party or a Share This If You Love Jesus poster.

I did not know, however, that deer hunting in Kentucky was this popular:

"Excuse me," you may be saying now, "Does that read a man agreed to sex in exchange for a hunting trip?" 

My answer is, "Yes, my friends, it does." If you didn't, click above to read the sordid story.

(Bad decision-maker.)
But not just plain-old-regular-sex-for-hunting sex. This guy was so desperate to go hunting he apparently agreed to bring along a wig, fake breasts, and a bottle of baby oil in order to have the chance to shoot a buck.

(I hope they didn't look like Miley's)

To make matters worse--yes it can get worse--this sex ring was busted when the two men were stopped by police for a traffic violation. Not only was the poor guy arrested for prostitution, but also for not wearing his seat belt. Really, though, when you think about it, if you are willing to don a wig and fake breasts and perform sexual acts in order to go hunting, you probably throw caution to the wind a lot and seat belt safety is not a priority.

So here in Kentucky, deer hunting season is in full swing, and the need to hunt is real. The need is stronger for some than others, and sometimes it can cloud a hunter's judgement.

It even can bring new meaning to the phrase, "I wrangled a big buck with my smoke pole."