Keith Stewart’s remarkable adventures usually occur near his hometown of Hyden in the hills of southeastern Kentucky, although he can be found aimlessly wandering the streets of nearby Lexington at any given moment. Before he shed his corporate casing, he worked as a certified public accountant for a multi-national company. He now enjoys less stressful work with much less pay, and blogs and writes and stuff. Oh, and he is as happy as a clam.
How wonderful to have a
Facebook group dedicated to the good people of Lilly Bottom! I remember when
the only way to sell my used items was to call up the Community Swap & Sell
Hour on the local AM radio station, WLBM-1560. Does this post also go on the radio?
I hope so. It was so useful when that
of mine took off for parts still unknown with that homely, pot-bellied
bartender from the Broke Spoke Saloon over on Jenkins Street. Someone said they
saw the two down at a fishing tournament in Burgoo, Alabama, but I can’t
confirm it. All I know is if it was them, then they must have borrowed some
fishing rods because I traded both of his, along with his tackle box and his
Make Your Own Bait Kit to a nice young man from over on Bull Creek for a bushel
of white runner beans and three Home-Sweet-Home cross-stitch patterns.
I write today about something
very near and dear to my heart. I am hoping some kind soul will be able to help
me. I am in search of a set of false teeth. Not just any false teeth, but my
very own. They were lost two days ago on the corner of Main Street and Apple
Highway, but I am unsure of their whereabouts at this point.
You see, I had just
finished my weekly shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, was leaving the shopping
center, and heading to the Bee Hive to have my hair set. I was running late for
my appointment because I had run into Dora Mae Collins while searching for a
pork chop that looked halfway decent (honestly, Piggly Wiggly, finding fresh
pork should not be that difficult). She was terribly upset because her daughter
had phoned earlier that morning and asked if she could drop off her twins,
Tommy and Timmy, for a week-long visit while she and her, “boyfriend of the
week,” went down to Biloxi for a work conference. Dora Mae said she knew good
and well that no work conference ever lasted that long in Biloxi, and the only
reason to stay there that long was to cavort.
Since I didn’t have time
to run through the Arby’s drive-thru for a roast beef sandwich like I normally
do after finishing at the Piggly Wiggly, I grabbed an apple from my grocery
sack to tide me over until after my hair was done. While I was sitting at the
intersection waiting my turn, I started eating the apple. I had just gotten ahold
of a good bite, when a bumble bee the size of my fist started swarming around
my head. He was an ornery thing, too. Ever since I saw that special on TLC
about people who swelled up like a hot air balloon when stung by bees, I have
been terrified of them. I frantically waved my hands trying to swat it away.
They say sometimes when people are faced with great fear, they exhibit
superhuman strength, and that must have been what happened to me because when I
jerked my left hand—the one holding the apple—it pulled so hard that my entire set
of dentures pulled out of my mouth right in mid-bite. Either that, or I had
forgotten to use my Polident that morning. Regardless, that bumblebee then landed
on a molar, and before I could think, I flung the whole thing out my car window.
It bounced off the truck sitting in the lane beside me and rolled on down the
street. The light then turned green, so I had no choice but to drive on through
By the time I got my car
turned around and drove back to the scene, the apple with my teeth lodged in it
was gone. I don’t know if perhaps a bird or a wayward dog came along and took
it or if a Good Samaritan saw what happened, stopped, and gathered up my teeth
in hopes of returning them to me. Either way, I have been toothless for two
days now, and with all the garden corn coming into season in the next few weeks
I am beginning to panic, as anyone who knows me knows corn on the cob is my
So friends, if anyone has
come across a half-eaten Red Delicious apple with a full set of Dr. Rondell’s
Premium Enamel dentures hanging in it, I would appreciate an email or phone
call. You can keep the apple, I just need the teeth. Thank you in advance.
Thank you so much for
dropping off the set of dentures you recently found. I am sorry I wasn’t home,
but do appreciate so much you leaving them on my doorstep! Unfortunately, those
are not my missing teeth. I could tell immediately they were not a set of Dr.
Rondell’s Premium Enamel by their ecru color, but I tried them on anyway. They
didn’t come close to fitting. In fact, I think these may be a set of men’s
It was so thoughtful of
you to drop them by, though.
On that note, I am still
looking for my set and I also have a set of men’s dentures I am willing to sell
or trade. Best offer.