Help Fight IPR (Involuntary Penile Removal)

(What? I've no work done.)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's exactly what I'm throwing down today. Friends, we have yet another medical crisis in our country: Involuntary Penile Removal or IPR. This crux is even more sinister than the reemergence of measles or the news that Bruce Jenner has had more cosmetic surgery. To make matters worse, this horror is preventable. It is caused by one thing, and one thing only: negligence.





What is this medical emergency I am writing about? I'll tell you:

 Hospital Amputates Man's Penis During Circumcision 

That's right. Doctor's are rampantly yielding scalpels and whacking at any appendage attached to and floundering around a man's lower body. You think I am kidding? The headline above is from a news story out of Alabama stemming from a lawsuit filed last week by a man who went to the hospital for a "routine circumcision," and woke up from the anesthesia to find himself memberless. Can you imagine the horror?!

(Wait. I'm missing something.)

The reason I've deemed this a crisis of epic proportion is because I wrote about THE EXACT THING last year! This has happened before, dear readers. In 2007, a Kentucky hospital lobbed off an entire penis instead of just some extra skin from some poor sack (pun intended) who thought he was having a simple procedure. Instead of a circumcision, he left the hospital without his bird. 

Link to THAT story: The First Time I Posted About IPR - Involuntary Penis Removal  (Told you so)

 

Highlighting the fact that IPR is being swept under the rug by not only the medical profession, but also the mainstream media, in response to the Alabama lawsuit resulting from penile removal, the hospital spokesperson insensitively commented the claim lacked merit. What?! Lacked merit? Lady, your hospital just chopped off a man's junk. There is a lot of merit in that. Lots. Tons.  

See for yourself: Video from Alabama (Not of the actual IPR, just the news story)

I could find no statistics on the exact number of penis' that fall victim to Involuntary Penile Removal

each year--I'm sure another medical industry coverup--but I am willing to bet the number is in the ten's. My advice to you adult men who find yourself with an uncircumcised unit, LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE. The window for circumcision closes when you leave the hospital as a newborn. Don't tempt fate by breaking that glass.

If you insist on having the surgery anyway, please take my friend Butchy Crocker's advice, and get yourself a DAMP (Don't Amputate My Penis) form, sign it, and have it notarized. Here is an excerpt from the form:

Kentucky Emergency Medical Services

Don’t Amputate My Penis (DAMP) Order

Person's Full Legal Name _______________________________________________________________

Surrogate's Full Legal Name (if applicable) _________________________________________________

I, the undersigned person or surrogate who has been designated to make health care decisions in accordance with Kentucky Revised Statutes, hereby direct that in the event of my unconsciousness that this DON’T AMPUTATE MY PENIS (DAMP) ORDER be honored. I understand that DAMP means that if my penis appears to have morphed into cancerous cauliflower, no medical procedure to remove my vegetable penis will be started by surgical personnel. 

Click here to read and print the entire order: butchycrocker.com DAMP Order

Just in case you are still on the fence about the advantages of circumcision in general, let alone for a grown-ass man, I will leave you with this video:

Miss Bertha Takes to Facebook to Find Her Teeth

   

 Bertha Sue McIntyre

  July 14, 2014

Dear Lilly Bottom Community Trading Post,

How wonderful to have a Facebook group dedicated to the good people of Lilly Bottom! I remember when the only way to sell my used items was to call up the Community Swap & Sell Hour on the local AM radio station, WLBM-1560. Does this post also go on the radio? I hope so. It was so useful when that no-good-womanizing-and-sometimes-manizing-lying-stack-of-cardinal-dung husband of mine took off for parts still unknown with that homely, pot-bellied bartender from the Broke Spoke Saloon over on Jenkins Street. Someone said they saw the two down at a fishing tournament in Burgoo, Alabama, but I can’t confirm it. All I know is if it was them, then they must have borrowed some fishing rods because I traded both of his, along with his tackle box and his Make Your Own Bait Kit to a nice young man from over on Bull Creek for a bushel of white runner beans and three Home-Sweet-Home cross-stitch patterns.

I write today about something very near and dear to my heart. I am hoping some kind soul will be able to help me. I am in search of a set of false teeth. Not just any false teeth, but my very own. They were lost two days ago on the corner of Main Street and Apple Highway, but I am unsure of their whereabouts at this point.

You see, I had just finished my weekly shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, was leaving the shopping center, and heading to the Bee Hive to have my hair set. I was running late for my appointment because I had run into Dora Mae Collins while searching for a pork chop that looked halfway decent (honestly, Piggly Wiggly, finding fresh pork should not be that difficult). She was terribly upset because her daughter had phoned earlier that morning and asked if she could drop off her twins, Tommy and Timmy, for a week-long visit while she and her, “boyfriend of the week,” went down to Biloxi for a work conference. Dora Mae said she knew good and well that no work conference ever lasted that long in Biloxi, and the only reason to stay there that long was to cavort.

Since I didn’t have time to run through the Arby’s drive-thru for a roast beef sandwich like I normally do after finishing at the Piggly Wiggly, I grabbed an apple from my grocery sack to tide me over until after my hair was done. While I was sitting at the intersection waiting my turn, I started eating the apple. I had just gotten ahold of a good bite, when a bumble bee the size of my fist started swarming around my head. He was an ornery thing, too. Ever since I saw that special on TLC about people who swelled up like a hot air balloon when stung by bees, I have been terrified of them. I frantically waved my hands trying to swat it away. They say sometimes when people are faced with great fear, they exhibit superhuman strength, and that must have been what happened to me because when I jerked my left hand—the one holding the apple—it pulled so hard that my entire set of dentures pulled out of my mouth right in mid-bite. Either that, or I had forgotten to use my Polident that morning. Regardless, that bumblebee then landed on a molar, and before I could think, I flung the whole thing out my car window. It bounced off the truck sitting in the lane beside me and rolled on down the street. The light then turned green, so I had no choice but to drive on through the intersection.

By the time I got my car turned around and drove back to the scene, the apple with my teeth lodged in it was gone. I don’t know if perhaps a bird or a wayward dog came along and took it or if a Good Samaritan saw what happened, stopped, and gathered up my teeth in hopes of returning them to me. Either way, I have been toothless for two days now, and with all the garden corn coming into season in the next few weeks I am beginning to panic, as anyone who knows me knows corn on the cob is my favorite food.

So friends, if anyone has come across a half-eaten Red Delicious apple with a full set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium Enamel dentures hanging in it, I would appreciate an email or phone call. You can keep the apple, I just need the teeth. Thank you in advance.

Bertha Sue McIntyre

bigbabybertha@mmail.com

606-555-1234

 Bertha Sue McIntyre

 July 17, 2014

UPDATE ON MY PREVIOUS POST:

Dear IFoundSomeTeeth,

Thank you so much for dropping off the set of dentures you recently found. I am sorry I wasn’t home, but do appreciate so much you leaving them on my doorstep! Unfortunately, those are not my missing teeth. I could tell immediately they were not a set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium Enamel by their ecru color, but I tried them on anyway. They didn’t come close to fitting. In fact, I think these may be a set of men’s dentures.

It was so thoughtful of you to drop them by, though.

On that note, I am still looking for my set and I also have a set of men’s dentures I am willing to sell or trade. Best offer.

Thanks!

Bertha Sue McIntyre

bigbabybertha@mmail.com

606-555-1234

A Classic Novel Rejected

Bram Stoker

Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula was published in 1897, thus beginning our love affair with literary, and eventually cinematic, vampires. It's a good thing Bram's book was the first of its kind published because his vision of undead bloodsuckers was much, much different than today's modern demons.

 




In fact, if Bram Stoker tried to submit the original Dracula manuscript for publication today, I fear the following would be his editor's response:

July 15, 2014

Dear Mr. Stoker,

Thank you for submitting your work to my office. When I saw the subject, I couldn’t wait to dig into your novel as there is nothing I enjoy more than a good vampire story. Plus, they tend to lend themselves to so many great marketing tie-ins and additional media deals.

As I began your narrative, however, I was struck by the darkness and gloom oozing from each page. I suppose you were trying to do something different with your tale, but I’m afraid it just doesn’t work. Your Dracula is far too serious and depressing to be a credible leading vampire. Perhaps with some additional research, you would have realized all vampires are very wealthy, live in elaborately decorated homes, and have no problem finding first class transportation. However, your vampire makes do in a dilapidated castle and travels by sneaking aboard a run-down Russian freight boat.

(Don't ever leave out the glitterskin. Ever.)

Even more horrifying is you have him sleep in the dirt. The dirt!  The constant layer of dirt and grime that must coat his skin due to this unsanitary sleeping habit prevents Dracula from sparkling in the sunlight. You are missing a wonderful opportunity by not having at least one sunburst available to this poor man while his pores are dirt-free. Let him show his softer, more dazzling side! Sun-induced-glitterskin is one of the most sought features of any vampire, and is a can’t-miss element of character development in this genre.  

(Poor 'ol Stoker's Ugly Vamp)

I was particularly disappointed you took the liberty of making Dracula such a hideously ugly character. Everyone knows, at least I thought everyone knew, all vampires are beautiful. There is no such thing as a homely vamp, and I just don’t see Dracula with his pointed ears and beady-fire eyes as remotely believable. Also, you’ve made him an older gentleman. I’m guessing he was in at least his late 50’s or early 60’s when he was turned, which again, goes against the vampire code. Vampires are made at the height of their attractiveness and sexual prowess, and trust me when I say to you, Mr. Stoker, a man that age is at neither. Perhaps this lack of virility is why it takes so long for Dracula to turn his victims into vampires. He has to bite them repeatedly in order to get any sort of supernatural action, whereas leading vampires who are much younger and potent are able to turn a victim immediately, and often have multiple victims in one night.

(What true vampires look like.)

Because of these fatal roadblocks with the main character, I am afraid we cannot extend an offer to work with you at this time. If you are willing to rework your piece—freshen up Dracula, turn him into a sexier, eastern European bad boy (I’m thinking a cross between Colin Ferrell and Liam Neeson)—I would gladly take a second look. Another suggestion is completely changing the location of the story. Transylvania, and Europe in general, is very 1992 for this genre. I would suggest setting the story in the American South. In fact, there is a Transylvania University in Lexington, KY. A fraternity vampire named “Drac” (now I’m thinking of a cross between Colin Ferrell and Zac Efron) attending Transy is a much better choice than an ugly, old man with bad ears who lives in a castle.

Oh, and you also may want to consider adding the additional element of either a fairy or a werewolf. Readers today love fairies and werewolves.

Sincerely,

Ima Trubie
Editor Extraordinaire 

(Gratuitous picture of Alexander)