Thursday, December 11, 2014

2014 Inappropriate Gift List

Ho! Ho! Ho!

With only a couple of weeks remaining before Christmas, it's time for the annual Strong Man's Cup of Tea Inappropriate Gift List!

Does your list include someone extremely difficult to buy for? Maybe you are all finished with your holiday shopping except for that ONE person. There is always that ONE person.

Whether or not these gifts help you decide to purchase a particular item depends on your own taste.  All I do is offer up some suggestions, although I am including links to the related websites in case you decide to purchase. If you do, please let me know!

Without further ado,

2014 Inappropriate Gifts 




Microwave For One Cookbook


Perhaps your list includes a single friend or family member struggling with cooking for only himself. Maybe he or she is used to cooking for two, three, or four people, but now is all alone at home with only the tick-tocking of the hallway clock to keep her company. What better way to say you understand she is by herself than giving what is undoubtedly the saddest cookbook ever printed?  Single serve meals nuked in a jiffy. For an added flair, you may want to also include a box of wine to wash it all down.


Link to Website

Emergency Underpants Dispenser


How many times has it happened to you? You are at work or at school and suddenly you mess yourself? Oh, the misery! You only meant to let out a wee poof of gas, but alas, more than you bargained for barged out the door. Now, instead of either having to run back home and change undershorts or spending the remainder of your day not only feeling, but actually being not-so-fresh, you can simply pull out a fresh pair of undies from your Emergency Underpants Dispenser! The smart looking box looks JUST LIKE a box of tissue, except for the fabric of the undershorts sticking out the top. A perfect gift to say to that special someone, "Hey! I shit myself, too. I understand."

Link to Website


The Man Sack Fanny Pack


Have a dude on your list who really needs a fanny pack? He carries lots of things with him on a daily basis, yet he insists on clutter-free hands. "But fanny packs are too feminine," he argues. Well, no more, my friend, no more. The new Man Sack Fanny Pack is custom made for the man who has a need to carry stuff without losing any of his made-up-masculinity. The only problem he will be having is remembering if he hangs his iPhone in the left or in the right.

Link to Website




Bacon Scented Body Wash


Seriously, America, we have gone too far with the "bacon is great!" movement. While bacon is tasty, and the smell of it frying is the best thing ever to wake up to in the morning, I am not sure that smelling like bacon all day because of your body wash is a good idea. This gift is only recommended for people with careers such as dog catching, fat guy luring, and greasy diner appraising.

Link to Website


The Wine Rack


Have a friend who is always talking about wanting a boob job AND who also drinks a lot? Boom! Perfect gift! The Wine Rack is a bra that will hold a bottle of wine or a fifth of gin all while making your breasts look much bigger. The main selling point, of course, is the inconspicuous three-foot long plastic tube hanging out under one arm so that you (or a buddy) can drink all that tasty lukewarm wine or gin in secret! Perfect for those long t-ball games or boring boardroom meetings.




Link to Website



 Butt / Face Soap





 We all have that friend who just doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground. This soap is made especially for him! While many of us may use wash clothes or loofahs, some people choose just to use a bar of soap as both judge and jury. Sometimes it can get pretty confusing remembering what body part last touched which area of the soap. This bar ends all that confusion. Simply use the Face side for your facial areas and the Butt side for, you know, your other places.





Link to Website


 The Willy Warmer


 Friends, global warming isn't slowing down. Our weather is becoming more and more extreme. The hot weather is hotter and, by golly, the cold weather is just downright miserable. Men need a Willy Warmer now more than ever. Made of the softest yarn the Chinese have available, these mitts for your bits can make even the chilliest day tolerable for a man's tricks who are forced to live on the outside of the body. Just like animals, if you are cold, it is cold.



Link to Website

Trunk in my Junk

While on the subject, sometimes cold weather can cause shrinkage. Other times, the original package is just not that big to begin with. Every now and then, a man just needs a little extra somethin'-somethin' down there for his confidence. When times like that arise, Trunk in my Junk is just what the doctor ordered. This cod piece will give your buddy the confidence to wear those skinny pleather pants out clubbing with swagger. And who will he thank? You. For buying him his Junk.



Link to Website

Deer Rear Bottle Opener

 The old saying goes, "The fun really begins when you can you open your beverage bottle on what appears to be the bunghole of a deer!" That is exactly what you and your friends will be doing when you purchase this great conversation starter/utility device. This two-feet long deer rear mounted to your wall will provide endless entertainment for adults as well as children! You will never buy screw-off bottles again! Guaranteed! 




Link to Website


Glitter Pills



Do you have a friend or family member who is bored with having mundane urine? How about dull, lifeless #2s? Then Glitter Pills are the perfect gift! Simply pop this "nontoxic" glitter capsule and wait! Once it moves through your body, it will get expelled. BAM! Your urine will be sparkly! KAPLOW! Your #2 drops will be flashy! The gift recipient will probably call you into the bathroom so you can witness the party with your own eyes! Freaky, man, freaky!



Link to Website

The Man Who Will Smear For You


Finally, for the person who simply has everything. Give the gift of video. A video made especially for that special loved one. A personal video of this guy smearing ketchup and mustard all over himself. VERY reasonably priced for a custom item.

Link to Website


Here is a sample video:







There you have it. I hope this list helps you find the perfect gift or avoid making a dire mistake this shopping season. By the way, if I happen to be on your list, I would gladly accept any and all of these! Have a great Christmas!


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Help Fight IPR (Involuntary Penile Removal)

(What? I've no work done.)
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's exactly what I'm throwing down today. Friends, we have yet another medical crisis in our country: Involuntary Penile Removal or IPR. This crux is even more sinister than the reemergence of measles or the news that Bruce Jenner has had more cosmetic surgery. To make matters worse, this horror is preventable. It is caused by one thing, and one thing only: negligence.





What is this medical emergency I am writing about? I'll tell you:

 Hospital Amputates Man's Penis During Circumcision 




That's right. Doctor's are rampantly yielding scalpels and whacking at any appendage attached to and floundering around a man's lower body. You think I am kidding? The headline above is from a news story out of Alabama stemming from a lawsuit filed last week by a man who went to the hospital for a "routine circumcision," and woke up from the anesthesia to find himself memberless. Can you imagine the horror?!
(Wait. I'm missing something.)

The reason I've deemed this a crisis of epic proportion is because I wrote about THE EXACT THING last year! This has happened before, dear readers. In 2007, a Kentucky hospital lobbed off an entire penis instead of just some extra skin from some poor sack (pun intended) who thought he was having a simple procedure. Instead of a circumcision, he left the hospital without his bird. 

Link to THAT story: The First Time I Posted About IPR - Involuntary Penis Removal  (Told you so)

 

Highlighting the fact that IPR is being swept under the rug by not only the medical profession, but also the mainstream media, in response to the Alabama lawsuit resulting from penile removal, the hospital spokesperson insensitively commented the claim lacked merit. What?! Lacked merit? Lady, your hospital just chopped off a man's junk. There is a lot of merit in that. Lots. Tons.  

See for yourself: Video from Alabama (Not of the actual IPR, just the news story)

I could find no statistics on the exact number of penis' that fall victim to Involuntary Penile Removal
each year--I'm sure another medical industry coverup--but I am willing to bet the number is in the ten's. My advice to you adult men who find yourself with an uncircumcised unit, LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE. The window for circumcision closes when you leave the hospital as a newborn. Don't tempt fate by breaking that glass.

If you insist on having the surgery anyway, please take my friend Butchy Crocker's advice, and get yourself a DAMP (Don't Amputate My Penis) form, sign it, and have it notarized. Here is an excerpt from the form:
Kentucky Emergency Medical Services
Don’t Amputate My Penis (DAMP) Order
Person's Full Legal Name _______________________________________________________________
Surrogate's Full Legal Name (if applicable) _________________________________________________
I, the undersigned person or surrogate who has been designated to make health care decisions in accordance with Kentucky Revised Statutes, hereby direct that in the event of my unconsciousness that this DON’T AMPUTATE MY PENIS (DAMP) ORDER be honored. I understand that DAMP means that if my penis appears to have morphed into cancerous cauliflower, no medical procedure to remove my vegetable penis will be started by surgical personnel. 

Click here to read and print the entire order: butchycrocker.com DAMP Order

Just in case you are still on the fence about the advantages of circumcision in general, let alone for a grown-ass man, I will leave you with this video:


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Miss Bertha Takes to Facebook to Find Her Teeth



   
 Bertha Sue McIntyre
  July 14, 2014


Dear Lilly Bottom Community Trading Post,
How wonderful to have a Facebook group dedicated to the good people of Lilly Bottom! I remember when the only way to sell my used items was to call up the Community Swap & Sell Hour on the local AM radio station, WLBM-1560. Does this post also go on the radio? I hope so. It was so useful when that no-good-womanizing-and-sometimes-manizing-lying-stack-of-cardinal-dung husband of mine took off for parts still unknown with that homely, pot-bellied bartender from the Broke Spoke Saloon over on Jenkins Street. Someone said they saw the two down at a fishing tournament in Burgoo, Alabama, but I can’t confirm it. All I know is if it was them, then they must have borrowed some fishing rods because I traded both of his, along with his tackle box and his Make Your Own Bait Kit to a nice young man from over on Bull Creek for a bushel of white runner beans and three Home-Sweet-Home cross-stitch patterns.
I write today about something very near and dear to my heart. I am hoping some kind soul will be able to help me. I am in search of a set of false teeth. Not just any false teeth, but my very own. They were lost two days ago on the corner of Main Street and Apple Highway, but I am unsure of their whereabouts at this point.
You see, I had just finished my weekly shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, was leaving the shopping center, and heading to the Bee Hive to have my hair set. I was running late for my appointment because I had run into Dora Mae Collins while searching for a pork chop that looked halfway decent (honestly, Piggly Wiggly, finding fresh pork should not be that difficult). She was terribly upset because her daughter had phoned earlier that morning and asked if she could drop off her twins, Tommy and Timmy, for a week-long visit while she and her, “boyfriend of the week,” went down to Biloxi for a work conference. Dora Mae said she knew good and well that no work conference ever lasted that long in Biloxi, and the only reason to stay there that long was to cavort.
Since I didn’t have time to run through the Arby’s drive-thru for a roast beef sandwich like I normally do after finishing at the Piggly Wiggly, I grabbed an apple from my grocery sack to tide me over until after my hair was done. While I was sitting at the intersection waiting my turn, I started eating the apple. I had just gotten ahold of a good bite, when a bumble bee the size of my fist started swarming around my head. He was an ornery thing, too. Ever since I saw that special on TLC about people who swelled up like a hot air balloon when stung by bees, I have been terrified of them. I frantically waved my hands trying to swat it away. They say sometimes when people are faced with great fear, they exhibit superhuman strength, and that must have been what happened to me because when I jerked my left hand—the one holding the apple—it pulled so hard that my entire set of dentures pulled out of my mouth right in mid-bite. Either that, or I had forgotten to use my Polident that morning. Regardless, that bumblebee then landed on a molar, and before I could think, I flung the whole thing out my car window. It bounced off the truck sitting in the lane beside me and rolled on down the street. The light then turned green, so I had no choice but to drive on through the intersection.
By the time I got my car turned around and drove back to the scene, the apple with my teeth lodged in it was gone. I don’t know if perhaps a bird or a wayward dog came along and took it or if a Good Samaritan saw what happened, stopped, and gathered up my teeth in hopes of returning them to me. Either way, I have been toothless for two days now, and with all the garden corn coming into season in the next few weeks I am beginning to panic, as anyone who knows me knows corn on the cob is my favorite food.
So friends, if anyone has come across a half-eaten Red Delicious apple with a full set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium Enamel dentures hanging in it, I would appreciate an email or phone call. You can keep the apple, I just need the teeth. Thank you in advance.
Bertha Sue McIntyre
606-555-1234




 Bertha Sue McIntyre
 July 17, 2014

UPDATE ON MY PREVIOUS POST:


Dear IFoundSomeTeeth,
Thank you so much for dropping off the set of dentures you recently found. I am sorry I wasn’t home, but do appreciate so much you leaving them on my doorstep! Unfortunately, those are not my missing teeth. I could tell immediately they were not a set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium Enamel by their ecru color, but I tried them on anyway. They didn’t come close to fitting. In fact, I think these may be a set of men’s dentures.

It was so thoughtful of you to drop them by, though.

On that note, I am still looking for my set and I also have a set of men’s dentures I am willing to sell or trade. Best offer.

Thanks!
Bertha Sue McIntyre
606-555-1234

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A Classic Novel Rejected

Bram Stoker
Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula was published in 1897, thus beginning our love affair with literary, and eventually cinematic, vampires. It's a good thing Bram's book was the first of its kind published because his vision of undead bloodsuckers was much, much different than today's modern demons.

 




In fact, if Bram Stoker tried to submit the original Dracula manuscript for publication today, I fear the following would be his editor's response:


July 15, 2014

Dear Mr. Stoker,

Thank you for submitting your work to my office. When I saw the subject, I couldn’t wait to dig into your novel as there is nothing I enjoy more than a good vampire story. Plus, they tend to lend themselves to so many great marketing tie-ins and additional media deals.

As I began your narrative, however, I was struck by the darkness and gloom oozing from each page. I suppose you were trying to do something different with your tale, but I’m afraid it just doesn’t work. Your Dracula is far too serious and depressing to be a credible leading vampire. Perhaps with some additional research, you would have realized all vampires are very wealthy, live in elaborately decorated homes, and have no problem finding first class transportation. However, your vampire makes do in a dilapidated castle and travels by sneaking aboard a run-down Russian freight boat.
(Don't ever leave out the glitterskin. Ever.)
Even more horrifying is you have him sleep in the dirt. The dirt!  The constant layer of dirt and grime that must coat his skin due to this unsanitary sleeping habit prevents Dracula from sparkling in the sunlight. You are missing a wonderful opportunity by not having at least one sunburst available to this poor man while his pores are dirt-free. Let him show his softer, more dazzling side! Sun-induced-glitterskin is one of the most sought features of any vampire, and is a can’t-miss element of character development in this genre.  

(Poor 'ol Stoker's Ugly Vamp)
I was particularly disappointed you took the liberty of making Dracula such a hideously ugly character. Everyone knows, at least I thought everyone knew, all vampires are beautiful. There is no such thing as a homely vamp, and I just don’t see Dracula with his pointed ears and beady-fire eyes as remotely believable. Also, you’ve made him an older gentleman. I’m guessing he was in at least his late 50’s or early 60’s when he was turned, which again, goes against the vampire code. Vampires are made at the height of their attractiveness and sexual prowess, and trust me when I say to you, Mr. Stoker, a man that age is at neither. Perhaps this lack of virility is why it takes so long for Dracula to turn his victims into vampires. He has to bite them repeatedly in order to get any sort of supernatural action, whereas leading vampires who are much younger and potent are able to turn a victim immediately, and often have multiple victims in one night.

(What true vampires look like.)
Because of these fatal roadblocks with the main character, I am afraid we cannot extend an offer to work with you at this time. If you are willing to rework your piece—freshen up Dracula, turn him into a sexier, eastern European bad boy (I’m thinking a cross between Colin Ferrell and Liam Neeson)—I would gladly take a second look. Another suggestion is completely changing the location of the story. Transylvania, and Europe in general, is very 1992 for this genre. I would suggest setting the story in the American South. In fact, there is a Transylvania University in Lexington, KY. A fraternity vampire named “Drac” (now I’m thinking of a cross between Colin Ferrell and Zac Efron) attending Transy is a much better choice than an ugly, old man with bad ears who lives in a castle.

Oh, and you also may want to consider adding the additional element of either a fairy or a werewolf. Readers today love fairies and werewolves.

Sincerely,

Ima Trubie
Editor Extraordinaire 

(Gratuitous picture of Alexander)

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Other Easter Traditions or Happy Smingus-Dyngus!

The Easter Bunny creeps me out. I've just never been able to get behind the idea of a ginormous bunny rabbit creeping into my bedroom while I am sleeping.

An elf, sure.

(What? What does your tooth fairy look like?)

A small fairy, I'll allow. 











I can't explain my aversion to the EB, but it runs deep. It could be because he looks crazier than hell in most pictures:




And to be clear, I like rabbits. In fact, if I woke up and saw Bugs Bunny in my room, I would be
thrilled! I'D say, "What's up doc? You must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque," and we'd have a big laugh.



While thinking about the Easter Bunny this week, I wondered if this was the strangest Easter custom in any culture. I mean, does it get weirder than a giant hare sneaking into your house at night and leaving you a basket of eggs?



Yes.

It does.

Check these out:

Whip 'Yer Woman (or Fifty Shades of Easter)

In some parts of Eastern Europe, Easter week is the time get out your pomlázka, a braided whip, and smack your wife or girlfriend with it. Legend has that anyone hit with the pomlázka will be happy and healthy in the upcoming year--similar to the Western tradition of birthday smacks, except with a braided whip. And only given to women. And not on birthdays. Never mind. 

If the women in your life are anything like the women in mine, I would suggest not sharing this custom. In fact, I would suggest not even mentioning it.



If You Can't Whip Yer Woman, Douse Her With Water

The Polish and Hungarians have an Easter tradition called Smingus-Dyngus--say that out loud and
you will agree that it is the most fun word combo EVER--which involves soaking a woman with buckets of water. Legend says if the girl is soaked, then she will be married in the upcoming year. What I am saying here is that you basically just find a bucket of water and dump right on a woman. I would suggest yelling, "SMINGUS-DYNGUS!" as you release the water, just for the proper effect.

I have to say, I really want to incorporate Smingus-Dyngus into my Easter celebrations. Not only for the spectacle of it, but also to be able to yell, "Smingus-Dyngus!"


The Easter Witch

In Finland, the week before Easter is the time children dress up a la Halloween to help ward off the Easter Witch. Similar to trick-or-treating, these little witches carry twigs decorated with feathers and paper, and come to your house offering to rid your home of evil spirits in return for treats.

Instead of, "Trick or Treat," the traditional greeting is, "Virvon, varvon, tuoreeks terveeks, tulevaks vuodeks; vitsa sulle, palkka mulle!" which means, "I wave a twig for a fresh and healthy year ahead; a twig for you, a treat for me!" It isn't as catchy as "Trick or Treat," and most Americans are too lazy to say something that long in return for a Jolly Rancher, but with some tweaks, we could be on to something here, people. Free candy about six months after Halloween? Perfect!


 So while we Americans are stuck with a creepy, human-sized rabbit, you can see the traditions could be worse, especially if you are an Eastern European woman. At least our kids get candy and chocolate without being beaten or soaked. Although, I would like to try this Australian treat. It is a chocolate Bilby, but to me it just looks like a chocolate pregnant rabbit:




Whatever your Easter traditions, I hope you and yours have a wonderful day and remember the true reason for the day.



The Easter Witch
In Finland and parts of Sweden, children bring the Easter Witch to life, dressing up in old clothes, rags and shawls and carrying broomsticks or even copper kettles.  They then head door-to-door, in true Halloween fashion, begging for treats.  The merry bands of sorcerers take to the streets on either the Thursday or Saturday prior to Easter.  In the days leading up to Easter, bonfires and fireworks are lit across the land to ward off the witches believed to be flying around between Good Thursday and Easter Sunday.


Read more at http://www.hellokids.com/c_20432/reading-online/stories-for-children/easter-stories/wacky-easter-traditions?pos=0#IGXpx2howVek2GxH.99

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Is That a Chicken Leg on Your Wrist or Are You Just Happy To Be Here?

Stairway to Heaven.
Under the Sea.
An Evening in Paris.
Or if you attended Leslie County High School in 1989, I'll Be There for You.
 
It's prom season, that special time of year when girls spend an inordinate amount of money on a dress, shoes, and accessories and guys shell out $89 for a rental suit.

(Good 'ol Stan)
Prom is a rite of passage for teenagers, giving many their first real taste of adulthood. They are allowed to drive a car for the evening that is usually 3-4 level grades above what they normally drive to school. In my case, I was allowed to drive my Mom's car, which meant it had two working windshield wipers, did not smell like sweat and hush-puppies, and would accelerate faster than 52 miles per hour--all details that could not be said for my regular wheels, a Datsun Stanza (RIP, Stan).

(Look at 'em! Eating at the big table.)
Prom also means dinner reservations, and eating at a restaurant that doesn't make you order your food  at the front, wait there for it, and then carry it on a tray back to the seating area. For most teens, this is huge. When I was in high school, showing someone a big time on a Saturday night usually meant a stop off at the Taco Bell and then a stroll through the local Wal-mart. If I had some extra coinage, I may have sprung for a DQ Blizzard (that would we split, I wasn't made of gold) for a nightcap. So, to actually go to a sit-down-look-at-a-menu-and-keep-your-voice-to-a-minimum-level type of restaurant is a big deal.

Because prom is such a special night, every single thing needs to be perfect. The guy's cummerbund
(No cummerbund, but they match.)
must be the shade of his date's dress, the car must be washed and waxed, her hair must be hair-sprayed stiff enough to withstand hurricane-strength winds. It's all about the details, people.

One detail that perhaps has not gotten enough attention in the past is the traditional corsage given to the girl by her date. Corsages are usually an unfortunate afterthought--a simple flower in the right color family of the young lady's dress picked up on the way to start the evening.

Well, get ready to clutch your pearls because I have some big news!

B-I-G      N-E-W-S!

Thanks to the good people at Kentucky Fried Chicken and Nanz & Kraft Florist, you can be the toast of the town at this year's prom with the KFC Chicken Corsage. If you are local to the Louisville area, fresh baby's breath will accompany your chicken leg fixed in your choice of Original Recipe, Extra Crispy, or Kentucky Grilled.



If you are an out-of-town customer, don't fret, you can still order. The only difference is your baby's breath will be artificial. But anyone who has seen artificial baby's breath can tell you it is just as classy.



Just so we are clear, THIS IS A REAL THING. Click on the link here to order yours, but you had better hurry because they are very limited and once they are gone, well, they are gone.

I Am Ordering One Right Now!


If any of you do order, will you please snap a photo and send to me? And while we are talking about it, there is nothing saying you have to be going to the prom to send one of these to someone. In fact, it would probably make a very good gift to your favorite blogger. Just a thought. I love chicken. And flowers. And baby's breath. Real or fake.