Sunday, December 1, 2013

2013 Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

Always a day late and a dollar short, I am a bit embarrassed at the topic of today's post. But since we don't celebrate holidays in chronological order anymore, I decided what the hell, I'm doing it. We have all been looking at Christmas trees and eating Valentine's candy since late July, so I figure it won't kill you to read about Halloween in December.

On that note, I give you 2013 Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes. Let the awkwardness begin:

Cute Baby as Ruthless Sociopath

OK, let's face it, some kids are going to be cute no matter what you put on them. But Hitler? What does little Tommy say when he gets to his daycare and his friend Sally, dressed as a butterfly,  asks who he is supposed to be? "Oh, some man who killed millions of people because they were different and then lead the world to near destruction? My dad thought I looked good with this mustache. Do you have any Reece Cups?"

No. Just, no. At this point in his life, Tommy is a blank slate. That isn't real facial hair. You can paint him up to look like any person you want, which I understand is one of the main reasons to have children in the first place. However, ruthless dictators are never a good idea.

The 'Ol Droopy Boob Gag 

Where to start with this? For one, my apologies to the poor airbrush artist who was asked to paint those hounds. I am sure he was sitting at his booth enjoying a nice fall festival and spreading happiness by painting "RIP Dale Earnhardt" or "Billy Jack loves LaWanda Dean" on the front of t-shirts made of something other than 100% cotton. Suddenly, Granny comes up and asks if she can have something special painted. Thinking she means a beer coozie or the back of her shorts, he eagerly agrees. The next thing he knows, Granny has pulled off her shirt, hauled up her ample bosom on to the table, and says she wants two dachshund-faced dogs in place of her appropriately looking wiener boobs.

Yes, she let the dogs out. Let's all be thankful she left cat inside.

 Just A Reason to Show Your Penis Costume

 I am not sure the point of this costume. Perhaps dude wants to show off his body in which case there are a ton of better options. Maybe it is a spin on the great SNL skit/video "Dick in a Box," but Justin Timberlake would never offer his dick to someone in a takeout pizza box. Pepperoni pizza, you say? All this does is sets up for people to raise that box and with a disappointed face say, "Oh. I asked for extra pepperoni."

Can you explain it?

  The Let's Make Fun of Less Fortunate People

Odds are we all know someone or one of our friends knows someone who has lost or nearly lost a home to foreclosure. Times are tough, man. The last thing you want at a Halloween party is someone thinking that losing your home is so funny and cute, it would make a great costume.

Furthermore, this costume implies that the wearer's bits are foreclosed. The breast windows are broken and boarded, and the VaJayJay door is bolted shut. What does this say about her? I am broke down and nasty? I am primarily used by squatters who are addicted meth and runaways? I'm cheap and a fixer-upper? No. No. No.

Suicide Bomber
I don't even...I can't...I just don't know what...

Overly Sexed-Up Baby Girls

In the words of P!nk, "Whatever happened to the dreams of a girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50-cent." No wonder, people. No wonder.

Thanks for indulging me in this belated Halloween post. I had already found the pictures and saved them in their own folder. I am just to unorganized to waste all that effort. If it isn't too late for you, post a picture of your own favorite inappropriate costume in the comments!

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