Tuesday, December 24, 2013

2013 Most Inappropriate Gift List

I can't believe it is already Christmas Eve. We Americans have been preparing for Christmas since early July, and suddenly it is here--like an unexpected distant relative who shows up at your door for an impromptu visit (I was actually thinking of my own life there, but it does describe the movie Christmas Vacation and really the two aren't that different).

This year, Andy and I found ourselves in much need of a break from traditional Christmas activities and the routines of our daily lives, and decided to be radical and take our own Christmas vacation. We shopped early for gifts for the family, delivered them, and then hit the road for a two-week (at least) trip. As a result, I almost forgot to post my most inappropriate gifts of the year list. In my defense, with a view like this, it is hard to think about anything else.

Balcony View - NOT dreaming of a white Christmas.

But, no worries, as I received a phone call last night by an angry elf who had helped scour the internet for these atrocities wondering when in the H-E-double L the list she had worked so hard finding items for would be posted. I am not giving away this elf's name, but her voice is awfully similar to someone whose name rhymes with "Bonnie or Lonnie" and may or may not be my mother, whose name is Ronnie.

So, without further adieu, if you are looking for that last minute gift to make your holiday extra special  horrific, then I present to you:


1. You Can Shave Baby Doll

That is right. You are reading the box correctly. It is the You Can Shave The Baby! Just what every young child wants and needs. This hairy ginger comes with an abundance of hairy spots that are just begging your child to take a sharp razor and scrape off. She comes with an inordinate amount of underarm pit air, lots of ankle & calf sprouts, a full bush, and strangely enough, back and ass hair.

This may also lead into a conversation with your toddler about what will eventually happen to her body if, by chance, one of her parent's is a neanderthal. I would recommend a bottle of Nair as a stocking stuffer if you purchase this.

Baby got Back.

2. Doggie Thong

This item is for the dog lover on your list. Last year's Inappropriate List (click to see it)
included a similar item for humans, but in just a few short months, technology advanced, a belt was added, a hole for the tail was cut, and BAM, a doggie fart-filter was born.

This strip, called the "Dogone," is an activated charcoal cloth that filters out foul-smelling dog farts, because nothing is more annoying than a smelly dog fart. The advertisement even touts that the thong is easily removed when it comes time for Rover to do more than just break wind.

The problem I see here is if Rover is like either of my dogs, he doesn't stand up, excuse himself from the conversation, and quietly go relieve himself. My two can be jumping, running and playing one second and the very next be humped over expelling whatever they have eaten in the past day or so: dog food, sticks, socks. There is no time to use the "fast release" thong remover. Thankfully, the Dogone is completely washable and reusable.

3. Penis Stretcher
Nothing says, "I love you, but," more than a device that claims to extend the length of your man-junk by 40%. According to the advertisement for this medieval torture contraption, a man only has to wear it 6 hours a day for 6 months in order to see results. I am not sure how that is possible if you have to leave your house for any reason, but I suppose it would make a great conversation starter. "I apologize for the huge bulge in my pants, you see I am currently in the midst of a penile stretching program."

4.Remote Control Head Wrangler

Is there someone on your list who is always losing the remote control? Does that person yell for you to come from another room just to turn the channel on the television because he is too lazy to get up from the couch? Well, this is the gift for him! Imagine just strapping on full head gear that allows remotes to hang via velco from his face. Oh, the joy!

Apparently, it also comes in 1970's basketball player style.

5. A Diet Book of Any Sort

No. No, no, no, no, no. The last thing a person wants to unwrap after just inhaling 1,453 bourbon balls, 2 pecan pies, 1 pumpkin roll, and 4 gazillion cookies is a book reminding him or her of the need to drop some poundage. It's enough to make you want to pass on the third cup of eggnog. Almost.

6.  Bikini Line Genie - Shave Your Vagina in Sixty Seconds

Sometimes, the advertisement for a product is all you need to prove its inappropriateness. On that note, I will just give you a direct quote from this product's manufacturer:

"Ladies, is your muff hairier than a sheepskin shagpile? Do you want to get rid of all that hairy nonsense in 60 seconds? Then say hello to the Bikini Line Genie. These disposable pads will allow you to wax or shave your Southern regions, quickly, without risk of causing those irritating cuts and scrapes."

Yes, vagina Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

7.  Baby Arm Soap
Nothing says creepy like offering up your guests a stick of soap that looks just like a baby's arm. Everyone loves the way a baby smells, so why not have your hands (or whatever you wash with it) smell that way all the time? This gift could also double as a gentle reminder to small nieces and nephews or cousins who are visiting your usually kid-free home at the holidays of happens to boys and girls who break things in your home.

8. Penis Shaped Toothbrush

I am still puzzled at the purpose of this item which adds to its inappropriateness. When I first saw the words "penis shaped toothbrush" I assumed the novelty part would be the person placing a fake penis in his mouth every morning and evening when he brushed his teeth. However, when I received the toothbrush in the mail looked online at the picture, it is obvious that isn't the case. The penis is facing the wrong way. If the user wants, he can even totally avoid touching the penis part of the brush. What a crock, which is the only reason it is inappropriate.

9. Bacon Flavored Lube

I think this is definitive proof that bacon does NOT make every thing better.

10. Deer Scrotum Purses

This final gift is one I actually heard about from a friend. She recently hit a deer with her car--accidentally she said--and wanted to know if there was a way she could salvage the scrotum to make a purse. I made a few inquiries to friends of mine who were deer hunters or had husbands who were, and was met with terse, quick responses of "I don't know," or just, "No."

Because I'm already known as the weirdest man in my hometown, I decided to stop asking people how I could find or salvage a deer scrotum, and took my quest to the internet where I found there is quite a niche market for these sacks. However, be warned. A scrotum purse is not for every one. It may be one-of-a-kind and designer, but it's no Aigner.

So, that wraps up this year's list of High Inappropriateness. We are left with just one question:

Leave a comment if you have any more ideas or if you actually receive something that was even more inappropriate than these!

2011 List
2012 List

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

2013 Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

Always a day late and a dollar short, I am a bit embarrassed at the topic of today's post. But since we don't celebrate holidays in chronological order anymore, I decided what the hell, I'm doing it. We have all been looking at Christmas trees and eating Valentine's candy since late July, so I figure it won't kill you to read about Halloween in December.

On that note, I give you 2013 Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes. Let the awkwardness begin:

Cute Baby as Ruthless Sociopath

OK, let's face it, some kids are going to be cute no matter what you put on them. But Hitler? What does little Tommy say when he gets to his daycare and his friend Sally, dressed as a butterfly,  asks who he is supposed to be? "Oh, some man who killed millions of people because they were different and then lead the world to near destruction? My dad thought I looked good with this mustache. Do you have any Reece Cups?"

No. Just, no. At this point in his life, Tommy is a blank slate. That isn't real facial hair. You can paint him up to look like any person you want, which I understand is one of the main reasons to have children in the first place. However, ruthless dictators are never a good idea.

The 'Ol Droopy Boob Gag 

Where to start with this? For one, my apologies to the poor airbrush artist who was asked to paint those hounds. I am sure he was sitting at his booth enjoying a nice fall festival and spreading happiness by painting "RIP Dale Earnhardt" or "Billy Jack loves LaWanda Dean" on the front of t-shirts made of something other than 100% cotton. Suddenly, Granny comes up and asks if she can have something special painted. Thinking she means a beer coozie or the back of her shorts, he eagerly agrees. The next thing he knows, Granny has pulled off her shirt, hauled up her ample bosom on to the table, and says she wants two dachshund-faced dogs in place of her appropriately looking wiener boobs.

Yes, she let the dogs out. Let's all be thankful she left cat inside.

 Just A Reason to Show Your Penis Costume

 I am not sure the point of this costume. Perhaps dude wants to show off his body in which case there are a ton of better options. Maybe it is a spin on the great SNL skit/video "Dick in a Box," but Justin Timberlake would never offer his dick to someone in a takeout pizza box. Pepperoni pizza, you say? All this does is sets up for people to raise that box and with a disappointed face say, "Oh. I asked for extra pepperoni."

Can you explain it?

  The Let's Make Fun of Less Fortunate People

Odds are we all know someone or one of our friends knows someone who has lost or nearly lost a home to foreclosure. Times are tough, man. The last thing you want at a Halloween party is someone thinking that losing your home is so funny and cute, it would make a great costume.

Furthermore, this costume implies that the wearer's bits are foreclosed. The breast windows are broken and boarded, and the VaJayJay door is bolted shut. What does this say about her? I am broke down and nasty? I am primarily used by squatters who are addicted meth and runaways? I'm cheap and a fixer-upper? No. No. No.

Suicide Bomber
I don't even...I can't...I just don't know what...

Overly Sexed-Up Baby Girls

In the words of P!nk, "Whatever happened to the dreams of a girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50-cent." No wonder, people. No wonder.

Thanks for indulging me in this belated Halloween post. I had already found the pictures and saved them in their own folder. I am just to unorganized to waste all that effort. If it isn't too late for you, post a picture of your own favorite inappropriate costume in the comments!