Healing Through Anger

Elections bring out both the best and the worst in America. We are an example to the world of how democracy works. We argue, debate, and fight our way to election day, then accept the results without violence or civil unrest. We prove to other nations that our system, while flawed, is still the best method for government. On the flip side, the ugliness of the campaigns, the unchecked amount of money that is now spent on running for office, and the in-your-face-24-hours-a-day-news that we are privy to makes us all bat shit crazy by the time November rolls around.

This year's election cycle brought us the longest, nastiest, and most vile campaigning anyone had ever seen. I was so sick of it all by election day, I just wanted it to be over. I longed to see feminine hygiene commercials on television. I missed Jamie Lee Curtis explaining to me how I could regulate my digestive system by eating her yogurt. I would have even settled for a Sham-Wow! infomercial.

Because this election was so very close, there are inevitably a lot of people who are now upset their candidate or issue or amendment didn't win on the ballot. That is understandable. Having to live through the relentless campaign season only to see your vote lose sucks eggs. It makes you feel bitter. I know. I lose a lot.

One great thing Americans always do after tense elections is come back together. Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually we get there. The political pundits say it often takes a "national scare or threat" to do it, but I don't think that is necessary. I believe that just good, old-fashioned shared misery does the trick just as well.

This weekend I started thinking of things that I hated more than the election, and was surprised to find a good number of items. I narrowed down my list to the top seven and thought I would share them with you. After reading these maybe you will think, "Hey, things aren't so bad after all. At least I don't have to suffer through #4 on the list."

You may even have better items than I listed that make us all more miserable. If so, please share with everyone in the comments. The more things we find in common to be mad at, the more alike we will become in each others eyes. Right? Am I right? I'm right. Right?

SEVEN ITEMS THAT I HATE MORE THAN THE ELECTION

1. WHEN YOU OPEN A NEW BAG OF GRIPPO'S & THEY ARE NOT HEAVILY COATED WITH GRIPPO'S GOODNESS

There is nothing quite like the anticipation of opening a new bag of Grippo's Bar-B-Q potato chips. As I hold that metallic, shiny, air-filled bag in my hands, my mouth begins to water. The rest of my body is jealous of the taste buds on my tongue because they are about to experience a storm of spicy, sweet, and salty like no other food can provide. But occasionally, you get a bum bag of the junk. Here is what I am expecting to see when I look into that open poke:

When I see this, though, it instantly causes rage to course through my body. I think bad thoughts of revenge and havoc-wreaking on the Grippo's factory and/or the person who bought the bag of chips at the grocery store (read: Andy):

A true Grippo is slathered in the spice mix until the just looks, well, almost hairy. It is a true sight to behold. The hairless Grippo is a sad thing that may as well be a Lay's KC Masterpiece chip. I'd just as soon not have a chip than be disappointed by this phenomenon. Thankfully, it is a rare occurrence. Most bags of Grippo's are delightfully coated and wondrously delicious.

For those of you who do not live where Grippo's are available and do not know what I am talking about I can say only two things: (a) Bless your heart, and (b) you may want to consider moving to an area where Grippo's are available.

2. ANY BOOK, TELEVISION SHOW OR MOVIE THAT ENDS WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER WAKING UP AND REALIZING THE WHOLE THING WAS A DREAM

The one time this was successful was with the Wizard of Oz, exactly 348 years ago. Since then, it has been used to end countless stories of all kinds. And each time it has pissed me off.

In fact, I'm even a little bit ticked at the Wizard of Oz. When this plot twist occurs, I feel like I wasted two hours watching a movie or a television show or significantly longer reading a book expecting a story but the main character took a nap instead, then woke up, felt bad, and decided to amuse me by telling me what she dreamed. I realize that the shows and books are not real to begin with, but still it makes me angry to know that the writer can't be bothered to tie up any loose ends in the story. It's as if he is 300 pages into writing his screenplay and realizes his deadline is the next day. The problem is he had 500 pages planned, but it is also free wing night at the local Hooters. Oh, and he is lazy. So, he picks a character, sticks her in a bed, wakes her up, stretching and yawning, and declaring she had the WILDEST dream. No, no, no, no, no.

3. ANY RESTAURANT OR FOOD CLAIMING TO BE AS GOOD AS OR BETTER THAN "MOM'S"

 
Ask anyone who makes the best meatloaf, fried chicken, lasagna, or potato salad and he will likely say his mother. It doesn't matter if the meatloaf is actually the best or not. If mom made it, then it is great. Some of us are fortunate enough to not have to lie about this sort of thing. My mother really is the best cook I know. She can whip up a dinner in no time and it will be a culinary delight, and if she does fry chicken? Watch yourself. So when I see items on menus that say "Better than Mom's Liver and Onions," I know it isn't true because it is impossible. But if I were craving liver and onions anyway, I may go ahead and order it. When it arrives at my table, I would instantly start comparing it my mothers and it would start losing. This process of shaming my liver and onions would continue until I was finished with the meal and called my mother to tell her about it.

 Another example of this is restaurants who are so cocky they name the entire joint after mom, not just a menu item. No, this is not Mom's Kitchen. If it were Mom's kitchen, there would not be tablecloths, fabric napkins, and choices of what to eat. There would be a stack of plates, a roll of paper towels, and a refrigerator overflowing with condiments of every sort and a sign attached to the front with a 1998 UK Wildcat Basketball magnetic schedule that says "This ain't Burger King. You Can't Have It Your Way. You Can Have It My Way. Or You Can Have None At All."

4. THE OCTOMOM

Just 'cause.

5. If Like _____, You'll Love ______ Products

I am the first to admit, I have purchased these products which is one reason I am qualified to say how much they anger me. In fact, I am pretty sure I purchased that exact bottle of "If you like Giorgio, you'll love PRIMO!" for my girlfriend in the fifth grade (sorry, Michelle).

If you love a designer fragrance, save up and buy it, because if truth be known, every single one of those imposters have the exact same smell, and it's the scent of sadness and regret.

I also want to go a step further and say that it angers me when people buy imposter brands of purses, wallets, bags, and totes. If it is being sold in a flea market, out of the trunk of a car, or on a side street in Chinatown, it ain't Louis Vuitton. I learned this, as I did with PRIMO!, the hard way:

The strap broke the first time I used the stupid fake imposter bag.

Please do not mistake "If you love _____, then you will like _______" products with "As Seen On TV" items. ASOTV items are remarkable and golden. They would never make me angry. They bring joy, laughter, and time-saving new ideas into the world.

6. HOW NASTY MY IPHONE LOOKS AT THE END OF THE DAY

I am a clean person. I shower regularly. I wash my face and hands throughout the day. I work indoors in a clean environment. So why is it at the end of each day, my iPhone looks as if a teething baby has used it for a chew toy before throwing down in a dirt pile? Perhaps it is the Otter-Box case I have for it, perhaps I sweat out of my ears. Something is happening to this phone, and it is ugly, ruthless, and unforgiving.

Look at it. Nasty. It's embarrassing, and it just makes me angry. Am I the only one that has this problem? If so, it's going to be really awkward.

7. THAT WOMAN WHO TANS SO MUCH

I don't think an explanation is needed.

So there you have my list of the seven items that anger me more than the election. I think all of us can agree these are some pretty universal miseries. What about you? What angers you more than the election? Leave a comment or picture below. And someone, anyone, please say that #6 happens to you as well.