Keith Stewart’s remarkable adventures usually occur near his hometown of Hyden in the hills of southeastern Kentucky, although he can be found aimlessly wandering the streets of nearby Lexington at any given moment. Before he shed his corporate casing, he worked as a certified public accountant for a multi-national company. He now enjoys less stressful work with much less pay, and blogs and writes and stuff. Oh, and he is as happy as a clam.
And suddenly the season is upon us. How quickly we go from eating our sun-ripened tomatoes while trying to give away the excess basil we have grown in the garden and spending our weekends swimming in the pool or at the lake to roasting turkeys, decorating trees, and desperately searching for gifts to please our loved ones.
Americans are obsessed with shopping the weekend after Thanksgiving. Pictures and videos of the chaos and mayhem caused by crazed shoppers trying to get one hundred dollars off a television or Cabbage Patch Doll sends shivers down my spine. I can't imagine standing in a line in the wee hours of the morning to get inside a Wal-Mart.
We also now have Cyber-Monday, which is today, the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday. Supposedly, this is the day one can reap extreme savings on items purchased via the internet--my preferred method. The problem with this is that for the past week most of the online stores have posted "Cyber Monday Sale Prices Today" on all their merchandise. So I am never sure if I should go ahead and purchase the annual Chia Pet for my sister on Saturday and trust I will get the lowest price available or if I will discover on Monday there was an extra two percent off had I waited. Then there is the possibility that Amazon.com may have the item for a dollar less than Overstock.com even though Sears.com has free shipping. It's all too much. It brings me down. It ruins my holiday buzz.
What usually ends up happening to me is that I freeze. The pressure is too great. I can't go to a mall because it is too crowded. The internet has too many choices. I panic around December 20 and randomly purchase items for friends and family without any regards for their wants or needs. My only criteria becomes will it be delivered by Christmas. And my gifts end up being stupid.
If you can relate to any of this, then you will need my list of this year's inappropriate (or awesomely cool) gifts. In all the hustle and bustle for the perfect item, sometimes we lose sight at what is an acceptable present for someone. There are also those of you who just don't have very good taste in giving gifts (Aunt Mary, I'm looking at you and your sock/fruitcake combo). This list will help you in avoiding a few of the more controversial things that you may see through your glazed-over-been-up-for-two-days-straight-eyes after shopping this weekend. You may want to print this list out and keep it with you during the holiday season and refer back to it before making any hasty purchases.
And before you say it, you are welcome.
2012 Inappropriate (or Awesomely Cool) Gifts
1. Dog Snuggies
Yes, if it isn't bad enough that Fido has to wear your crazy sweaters and rain boots out in public, now you can further humiliate him by insisting he wear a snuggie that matches yours while you curl up on the couch and watch Duck Dynasty or Honey Boo Boo together. It comes in a variety of colors including blue, pink, tye-dye, and animal print.
(This dog is saying, "Please someone call the ASPCA.")
2. Diva Dish Sponges & Punk Rocker Scrubbers
Okay, this one falls in the Awesomely Cool category. The Diva Dish Sponge is the ultimate way to do your dishes. Pair her up with Mr. Punk Rock Scrubber and you now have the ultimate dish washing set. Word of warning here: Although very awesomely cool, many significant others may be offended by receiving a gift that is to be used for cleaning, which is why they made the list. It's your call.
Ah yes, nothing brings back memories of childhood Christmases long ago in the hills of southeastern Kentucky than a classic Santa Dreidel. The hours of fun my cousins and I...wait, what?
Christmas is for kids. Coloring books have been used by baby-mamas far and wide to keep their precious little ones busy while they tend to other business. Now, there is something to color other than tired ol' Dora the Explorer or Winnie the Pooh, yo. Nothing says I love you quite like a coloring book full of thugs. After all, Junior didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose him.
That's right, ladies. You have had a lock on getting away with wearing "leggings" and "yoga pants" to work, BUT NO MORE! This one is for the fellas! Holla! Sorry, I am still in Gangsta Rap mode, let me compose myself.
Now when your man feels bloated on Tuesday morning after all the wings and beer he consumed at Buffalo Wild Wings watching Monday Night Football, he can be comfy and stylish at the office. In your face, Brooks Brothers, in your face!
Paris in the spring? Got it! London in, er, the fall? Got that, too! Can Be Global captures the very essence of your favorite European city and sends it to you so you can share it with your loved ones. By capturing the essence, I mean they basically take what appears to be a paint can, fill it with air from Paris, London, Vatican City, etc., seal it up and charge you money for it. They offer Prague, but really, why would you want to smell Prague?
Is there someone on your list who just has that not-so-fresh scent? Perhaps someone who enjoys an abundance of spicy foods or pinto beans? If so, search no further for the perfect gift. Subtle Butt is a carbon patch that helps neutralize those small "mishaps" that sometimes happens. As their website states, "It won't stop gas from happening, but it will stop the ugly consequences
and enable you to ride in elevators or nosh at cocktail parties without
being worried." Nosh away, my friends, nosh away.
8. Images You Should Not Masturbate To by Graham Johnson
Everyone needs a good coffee table book. Ideally the book should not be controversial or sexual in nature. Images You Should Not Masturbate To fulfills both those requirements making it perfect. However, if you find a guest (or yourself) locked in the bathroom with this tome, then you may have a problem. On the bright side it could lead to another gift. Perhaps Groupon will have a deal on discounted therapy sessions.
One review from a reader of the book: "I love a challenge but this book is the ultimate."
9. i-Tattoo Electronic Tattoo Pen (for ages 6 and up)
Want to help your children get over their fear of needles while training them for a career at the same time? Then this educational toy is right up your alley!
Oh sure the product contains toluene, a chemical that "reportedly" do severe neurological harm, but if it is still on the market, it has to be safe.
There is nothing more heart-warming than seeing your eight-year old niece inking up her granny while the glow of the Christmas tree lights reflect off the tattoo gun. Good times.
There is nothing a lady hates more than walking into a holiday party and having the same dress or jewelry on as someone else there. Worry no more, fair lady. I venture to say not many others will have these pieces of taxidermy glamor. Even if she does, hers will be from an entirely different squirrel and completely different from yours. It's a win, win. Show the world how you do with this rodent bling. They see you rollin,' they be hatin.' Let 'em, because you're worth it.
I am inspired by this nifty list, especially the Santa Dreidel. Although, I have to admit that the dog snuggie kinda looks like the red sweater I have on right now.
I'm with you Shannon. No squirrel feet earrings! What in the world is wrong with me? I haven't lived! Now, I'm just feeling deprived and pissed. (Sorry Santa, didn't mean to say the "p" word.)
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I am inspired by this nifty list, especially the Santa Dreidel. Although, I have to admit that the dog snuggie kinda looks like the red sweater I have on right now.
ReplyDeleteYou should come to my Christmas party this year. These are exactly the kind of gifts that would fit right in!
ReplyDeleteOMG...how have a lived to be 40 years old without ever owning a pair of squirrel feet earrings?!?
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Shannon. No squirrel feet earrings! What in the world is wrong with me? I haven't lived! Now, I'm just feeling deprived and pissed. (Sorry Santa, didn't mean to say the "p" word.)
ReplyDeleteHello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a really well written article. I’ll be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will definitely return. Plots for sale in Hyderabad
ReplyDelete