-- George C. Patton
|(controversy, every time)|
|(not really a prostitute, thief, or murderer)|
Perhaps competition at its best happens every four years at the Olympics. The Olympics are addictive and compelling. It is the only time we Americans watch sports such as track & field, swimming, & and badminton. Okay, I still don't watch badminton, but now that players have been thrown out of the competition over some controversy (again, I don't have the kind of time it takes to get you all the details, my sister is fixing meatloaf), I may watch it in Rio in 2016.
|(I bet they never eat ice cream)|
But never fear, I have researched a bit and found three competitions at which some of us could possibly be successful. They aren't as well-known as the Olympics, but the glory of winning will still be as sweet, and the look of crushing disappointment on your opponent's face will still be as satisfying when you are able to say, "Suck it. I won Gold, loser."
|(mmmm, they're pickled)|
This is a competition I think I would have shot at winning. I enjoy a nice pickled egg, and quail eggs are small, olive sized bites. The rules are pretty simple: eat as many as you can in one minute, and you must keep them down. To add to the drama, there is a perennial winner, Lester, who always dominates and holds the record (42). The classiness of this competition can be summed up with this quote from the Dallas Observer: "The beer-swilling, bargain-hunting crowd got what it came for too, when one of the eaters spewed into a trash can." Watch out Lester, I may be coming for you next year.
Pictures of the spectacle can me found HERE
|(Imagine this on a stick. Boom.)|
|(Actual picture from the competition. Creepy? Yes.)|
This competition takes place in Helsinki, Finland, giving it international prestige and flair. The rules are pretty simple--whoever can sit in the sauna the longest wearing only a bathing suit going eight inches down the leg wins. You can wipe sweat from your face but not your body. You cannot cover your ears with your hands. You may not lean over too far. Ambulances will be standing by, if needed. The winning time in 2010 was 12:26 in the 250-degree room. I am probably going to sit this one out, but I am betting any gay man who has been to a gym in Orlando, New York, or San Fransisco knows a feller who could, and does, sit in a sauna much longer than that most every day. Just saying.
So there you have it. Three competitions that you can try if you catch that Olympic spirit this summer. Would it be easier to just train for a 5K run or a bicycle road race? Sure, but how much cooler would it be to say you were the Pickled Quail Egg Eating Champion? Booya. You're welcome.
Let me know of more strange competitions in the comments below!