Keith

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Inappropriate Last-Minute Gifts

Gifts not appropriate for Grandpa.


Whether we like it or not, it is that time of year. The time your inbox is flooded with emails offering last minute Christmas gifts, some even with deep discounts and free shipping.  If you are like me and tend to wait until the last minute to purchase your Snuggies, Magic Brownie Pans (totally not what I thought it would be, by the way), and Chia Pets, then today's post will be very helpful to you.  If you are not like me and are some sort of freak who does her Christmas shopping early, then feel free to read and disapprovingly shake your head and roll your eyes at the trauma that normal people like me face each year.

It is a scientific fact that three gazillion emails are sent from retailers to each email address during the final five days before Christmas.  That many items can be tough to manage, but thankfully, my lovelies, I am here for you.  I have taken the time to read through those emails and sort out some of the more, let's say awkward, gifts that should be avoided at all costs this year.  I am fairly certain this is something Oprah would approve of me doing for her in her absence, although she would have made her husbands Gayle and Stedman do it for her.  I tried to make Andy help, but he looked at me with disgust and mumbled something my needing to up both my Xanax and Cymbalta prescriptions before leaving the room.

Reading those emails and clicking through all those links was daunting, but informative.  If anyone needs to know the best place to purchase generic Viagra (it isn't the real stuff, of course, I don't have firsthand knowledge, I've only read others reviews), the best online school for any possible degree that you may desire or are lonely and would like a new pen pal from the Ukraine, I can direct you to the proper place.

Having thoroughly researched the bombardment of LAST MINUTE GIFTS!!!! GET THEM NOW!!! FREE SHIPPING!!! emails, I now share with you the most inappropriate gifts I discovered in my shopping.  I implore each of you to think long and hard before deciding to purchase any of these items.  There are always people who would appreciate these, people like me.  I would love any and all of them, but Mammaw Jenkins or MeeMee Tootles, Reverend Jackson from the Mid-Town Holiness Church, or your Boss, Evil Miranda probably would not see the genius of such items.

Without further ado, I present the 2011 Strong Man's Cup of Tea Inappropriate Christmas Gift List:

THE BUTT - FACE TOWEL

I understand that people reuse towels, and it is both environmentally responsible and a lazy man's way of delaying doing the laundry.  I myself reuse whatever towel is hanging on the closest wall hook, line, or counter top when I hop out of the shower every Saturday evening (my shower day).  But if you are going to reuse the towel, you have to understand that the second or third use may entail drying your face, arms, and hair with the portion of the towel that was earlier used to soak up the water from your undercarriage.  It is a an ugly truth that we all just ignore.  Sure, your undercarriage should be clean, you just washed it; but what if you perhaps missed a spot?  With a set of these towels, you no longer need to worry about such misfortune.

I am troubled, however, that the Butt side of the towel is brown.  And what if you're colorblind?

The link: Butt-Face Towel

The Testicle Self-Exam Practice Form
Prostate Cancer is no laughing matter.  A man's balls are no laughing matter.  But put the two together in a plastic and silicone package and gift it? Now, that's funny.  There are several things that trouble me about this gift option.  For one, the shipping weight of this product is eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS?  I am not ashamed to say that my own personal junk comes nowhere near weighing EIGHT POUNDS.  Combing through all the mail for this post, there were a few sneaky emails whose link did not lead me to "Puppies For Sale," but instead to pornographic sites.  After perusing the porno sites for a bit, just to make sure there were, indeed, no puppies for sale, I can tell you that men starring in porno movies are not packing EIGHT POUNDS.  If I received an EIGHT POUND sack of balls and instruction manual on how to check myself for lumps, when I actually looked at my real stuff, I would probably be too humiliated to touch it, let alone have a doctor look at it.

The other thing that scares me a little is that the webpage also offers a section at the bottom of the page for "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed," and this was what was listed: A yodeling pickle, a gallon of whole milk, a giant Swiss Army knife, a spray bottle named Liquid Ass, and a Kindle Fire.  Messed up.  That is just messed up.



PEEKABOO HOT PINK POLE DANCE KIT

I can already hear the grumbling now.  "What's that, you say?  Pole dancing inappropriate?  Why it is an American institution, like apple pie and waterboarding."

I agree with you, my lovelies, pole dancing is a talent that each and every one of us need to develop and cultivate.  It is an art form that does not get the recognition or appreciation that it deserves.  I look back at my time on the pole as a rewarding, self-gratifying time, full of laughs and adventure.  I am simply saying that a pole dancing kit may not be the best choice for a Christmas gift, especially for Aunt Hilda or Uncle Earl.  But, if you insist on purchasing one, be very careful which kit you buy because there are many on the market.

One of main reasons this kit made the list was this customer review:

"If you are serious about pole dancing, or don't want to get hurt, do not buy this. It is horribly made. Since it is in three pieces (a real pole is one) it is flimsy and  [not] supportive and tends to give in the middle. Especially NOT recommended for tricks and inverts."

I take my pole dancing very seriously, don't want no scrub pole.

The link: Shoddy Dance Pole Kit

The Edible Anus

Few things are more inappropriate in any social setting than an depiction of an actual anus, unless you are eating said anus.  While the website touts that it is made from the finest of Belgium chocolates, I still can not think of a valid reason to purchase this for anyone as a gift.  It is the gift that says, "Hey! I know how much you enjoy anus, so here is one made of chocolate.  Enjoy!"  Never.  Appropriate.

And, to answer all my racist readers question, it is available in white chocolate.  It also comes in a sterling silver variety.  I suppose you could use it as a paperweight or a door stopper.

The most troubling thing about this entire product?  The warning on the website that reads "Contains traces of nuts and milk proteins."

The link: Eat Me Anus

You Go Girl



This final product, You Go Girl, is perhaps the strangest of all the gifts listed.  As a man, I never realized that women apparently spread urine and fecal matter all over the bathroom when they do their business.  In fact, since I was old enough to use the toilet, I have been accused by every woman around me of having poor aiming skills, and thus, making a mess of my own.  But according this site, it is women who somehow release the "plume," as the page calls it, covering everything from toothbrushes and towels to sinks and floors with bacteria and death.

You Go Girl is a powder, that when poured into the bowl before using, creates a foam that dampens sounds, eliminates some of the odor, and catches all that nastiness before it spreads.

Nothing could be more inappropriate than to give a gift that says, "Granny Anne, you have explosive and deadly bowel movements, and this will help save the lives of those who are around you."  Sure, it is thoughtful, but not appropriate.

The most troubling thing about the website?  It plays Kool and the Gang's "She's Fresh" song while you browse.

The link: Toxic Waste Preventer

There you have it.  My list of the worst offenders of 2011.  If you do insist on purchasing these items for someone, please have a camera and/or video ready to capture the magic moment of surprise when the recipient opens the gift.  Then, send it to me.  I beg you.

If anyone else has any inappropriate gift ideas or has received one, please share that with me as well.  My newly formed crack-research staff, The Tea Cups (I wanted to name them the Tea Bags, but they said no) will be testing some of these products, and I will let you know the results soon!

3 comments:

  1. The appropriateness of any of the gifts mentioned above lies not in the inherent quality of the gift but instead in the sensibilities of the recipient of said gift.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Truer words never spoken, Butchy Crocker.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I must say Keith, that might be your BEST.POST.EVER. Kudos to you sir.
    Your favorite Tea Cup,
    New BFF

    ReplyDelete