|Gifts not appropriate for Grandpa.|
Having thoroughly researched the bombardment of LAST MINUTE GIFTS!!!! GET THEM NOW!!! FREE SHIPPING!!! emails, I now share with you the most inappropriate gifts I discovered in my shopping. I implore each of you to think long and hard before deciding to purchase any of these items. There are always people who would appreciate these, people like me. I would love any and all of them, but Mammaw Jenkins or MeeMee Tootles, Reverend Jackson from the Mid-Town Holiness Church, or your Boss, Evil Miranda probably would not see the genius of such items.
Without further ado, I present the 2011 Strong Man's Cup of Tea Inappropriate Christmas Gift List:
THE BUTT - FACE TOWEL
I am troubled, however, that the Butt side of the towel is brown. And what if you're colorblind?
The link: Butt-Face Towel
The Testicle Self-Exam Practice Form
Prostate Cancer is no laughing matter. A man's balls are no laughing matter. But put the two together in a plastic and silicone package and gift it? Now, that's funny. There are several things that trouble me about this gift option. For one, the shipping weight of this product is eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS? I am not ashamed to say that my own personal junk comes nowhere near weighing EIGHT POUNDS. Combing through all the mail for this post, there were a few sneaky emails whose link did not lead me to "Puppies For Sale," but instead to pornographic sites. After perusing the porno sites for a bit, just to make sure there were, indeed, no puppies for sale, I can tell you that men starring in porno movies are not packing EIGHT POUNDS. If I received an EIGHT POUND sack of balls and instruction manual on how to check myself for lumps, when I actually looked at my real stuff, I would probably be too humiliated to touch it, let alone have a doctor look at it.
The other thing that scares me a little is that the webpage also offers a section at the bottom of the page for "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed," and this was what was listed: A yodeling pickle, a gallon of whole milk, a giant Swiss Army knife, a spray bottle named Liquid Ass, and a Kindle Fire. Messed up. That is just messed up.
The link: Fake EIGHT POUND Balls
PEEKABOO HOT PINK POLE DANCE KIT
I agree with you, my lovelies, pole dancing is a talent that each and every one of us need to develop and cultivate. It is an art form that does not get the recognition or appreciation that it deserves. I look back at my time on the pole as a rewarding, self-gratifying time, full of laughs and adventure. I am simply saying that a pole dancing kit may not be the best choice for a Christmas gift, especially for Aunt Hilda or Uncle Earl. But, if you insist on purchasing one, be very careful which kit you buy because there are many on the market.
One of main reasons this kit made the list was this customer review:
"If you are serious about pole dancing, or don't want to get hurt, do not buy this. It is horribly made. Since it is in three pieces (a real pole is one) it is flimsy and [not] supportive and tends to give in the middle. Especially NOT recommended for tricks and inverts."
I take my pole dancing very seriously, don't want no scrub pole.
The link: Shoddy Dance Pole Kit
The Edible Anus
Few things are more inappropriate in any social setting than an depiction of an actual anus, unless you are eating said anus. While the website touts that it is made from the finest of Belgium chocolates, I still can not think of a valid reason to purchase this for anyone as a gift. It is the gift that says, "Hey! I know how much you enjoy anus, so here is one made of chocolate. Enjoy!" Never. Appropriate.
And, to answer all my racist readers question, it is available in white chocolate. It also comes in a sterling silver variety. I suppose you could use it as a paperweight or a door stopper.
The most troubling thing about this entire product? The warning on the website that reads "Contains traces of nuts and milk proteins."
The link: Eat Me Anus
You Go Girl
This final product, You Go Girl, is perhaps the strangest of all the gifts listed. As a man, I never realized that women apparently spread urine and fecal matter all over the bathroom when they do their business. In fact, since I was old enough to use the toilet, I have been accused by every woman around me of having poor aiming skills, and thus, making a mess of my own. But according this site, it is women who somehow release the "plume," as the page calls it, covering everything from toothbrushes and towels to sinks and floors with bacteria and death.
You Go Girl is a powder, that when poured into the bowl before using, creates a foam that dampens sounds, eliminates some of the odor, and catches all that nastiness before it spreads.
Nothing could be more inappropriate than to give a gift that says, "Granny Anne, you have explosive and deadly bowel movements, and this will help save the lives of those who are around you." Sure, it is thoughtful, but not appropriate.
The most troubling thing about the website? It plays Kool and the Gang's "She's Fresh" song while you browse.
The link: Toxic Waste Preventer
There you have it. My list of the worst offenders of 2011. If you do insist on purchasing these items for someone, please have a camera and/or video ready to capture the magic moment of surprise when the recipient opens the gift. Then, send it to me. I beg you.
If anyone else has any inappropriate gift ideas or has received one, please share that with me as well. My newly formed crack-research staff, The Tea Cups (I wanted to name them the Tea Bags, but they said no) will be testing some of these products, and I will let you know the results soon!
The appropriateness of any of the gifts mentioned above lies not in the inherent quality of the gift but instead in the sensibilities of the recipient of said gift.ReplyDelete
Truer words never spoken, Butchy Crocker.ReplyDelete
I must say Keith, that might be your BEST.POST.EVER. Kudos to you sir.ReplyDelete
Your favorite Tea Cup,