Saturday, September 3, 2011

You Found That WHERE?

While surfing the worldwide web this Saturday morning, I ran across this gem of a news article from our friends in the wacky state of Florida:

(The actual man. I ain't gonna lie, I wish this was a picture of his rectum.)
In case you did not click the link above, let me explain to you what happened to the fella in the picture.  Neil Lansing was arrested in Sarasota, Florida, and during a regular search of his cell-block at the Heartbreak Hotel, sheriff's officials found that  Mr. Lansing had been holding out on them.  Well, if truth be known, he was holding in on them.

The officials discovered the tip of a condom sticking out of the inmate's booty-hole (it is a scientific fact that booty-hole is the term all medical schools are now using).  As one does when seeing the tip of a condom peeking out, the corrections officer pulled the condom all the way out of its hiding place.  When the entire condom was confiscated, officials learned that not 1, not 2, but 30 items were stuffed inside the latex wonder.  30 items.  Inside the condom.  Inside the rectum. 30 items.

Oh boy, where to begin with this?  First and foremost, a big shout out to Mr. Neil Lansing for helping break my blog-drought.  When working with something like this, the story really writes itself.  But, I digress...

(Probably off-duty corrections officers)
I imagine giving body searches becomes pretty normal and common when you work in a jail.  You probably have seen and probed so much, you don't really pay much attention to it.  But, then there are always the days you will never forget.  Days when the class "Probing Techniques" and the seminar "What to Look for When Looking at the Anus" pay dividends, and you magically pull out a jewel such as a condom stuffed with 30 items.  I imagine this similar to fishing.  On or under most bridges in Florida, you will find people fishing.  Most of the time they look bored out of their mind, just sitting there, waiting, hoping for a fish to bite the hook.  Occasionally, a rare and wonderful thing happens, a fish takes the bait.  The fish fights and jerks and tries to swim away while the fisherman jumps up, knocks his chair over and screams to his buddy, "Holy Cow, Earl! I've got a biggun on the line now!"  The struggle continues between the fish and fisherman, but finally the fisherman with one final jerk pulls the fish from the water and into the net his buddy, Earl, is waving in front of the action.
I am not sure that the corrections officers doing the search reacted at the time of finding the stuffed condom, but I am quite sure some high-fives and, perhaps, celebratory butt pats were given afterwards.

Back to the condom.  30 items, you say?  What were the 30 items?  Here is what was found in the condom:

(Worlds worst top 10 list)
      1-17.  17 round blue pills.  I am putting money on them being   Oxycontin.
      18.  1 cigarette
      19-24.  6 matches
      25.  1 flint
      26.  1 syringe
      27.  1 additional unused condom
      28.  1 lip balm container
      29.  1 receipt from CVS pharmacy
      30.  1 paper coupon

(Not a real drug mule.)
I can totally understand the pills being in the condom.  We have all seen movies and television shows or read books that included scenes with drug mules.  People who are hooked on the junk do not care how the pill is transported as long as it is transported.  If you have a orifice, it can be and will be used as a pill receptacle. 

I can understand the desire and need for cigarettes and matches in prison, but cigarettes are pretty delicate items.  I don't smoke, but I know that the tobacco is rolled and held in place by a delicate sheet of very thin paper.  I would think that it would take some effort and manipulation to get a stuffed condom into its "holding cell" and that would wreak havoc on a cigarette.  Maybe Nick Lansing has much more talented than I first thought.

A flint?  To be honest, I am not sure if I know what a flint exactly is or does.  I was not a boy scout, but I suspect it has something to do with the outdoors and fires, but maybe not.  For all I know it is a very reasonable thing to cover with a condom and lodge in your BH.

(You want to put that where?)
A syringe.  Really?  Of all things on the list, this is the one that makes me question Nick's sanity.  How did he even walk with that up there?  I work at a pharmacy, and I am scared of needles when I sell them by the box, covered in plastic and cardboard.  If someone suggested that I put a needle INSIDE my body for safe-keeping, I would run screaming.

What I would really like to know about the unused condom is this: is it the same brand as the condom being used for this particular job?  Furthermore, what is that brand?  Because I would recommend this particular brand to any man I know who is looking for some protection.  If it holds and contains 30 items, including cigarettes, syringes, flints, and lip balm, imagine if it were used for its intended purpose.  In fact, I think Nick should contact the manufacturer about a possible endorsement deal.

(Almost worth it.)
The next three items, lip balm, a receipt from CVS, and a coupon, are the most interesting items found inside the condom.  When you are so concerned about lip care that you smuggle your lip balm into jail by sticking it in your BH, you are dedicated to the cause.  I totally agree that there is nothing worse than chapped lips.  They itch and hurt, and are quite bothersome.  Plus, I have no idea what the ventilation system is like at the County Jail in Sarasota, Florida; for all I know, it could dry out your lips within a few days. The picture of Nick above proves that his lips are well maintained, so on this item, I say, "bravo, Nick, bravo."

(Don't care if I keep or not.)
Receipts are needed in order to return many items to retail stores.  They are needed to prove to the Internal Revenue Service that you did actually donate $300 to the Orphaned Children of the World Fund.  They should be kept for purposes of guarantees and all-around proper record keeping.  I am not that organized.  I only keep the receipts I absolutely must, and then I usually just throw them in a box labeled "Stuff to Keep." I can, without a doubt, tell you there is no item I have ever purchased, or will ever purchase, whose receipt would be so important to me that I would insert it into my BH for safe-keeping.  And if I ever come upon such an item, please God, do not let it be sold at CVS Pharmacy.  Please let me have enough class for it to be an exclusive from somewhere like JC Penney or Old Navy.

(Not even for a BOGO at TGIFs.)
People who clip coupons are a different sort of animal.  I will admit the thought of couponing makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth.  Saving .50 cents from a can of biscuits just is not worth the kind of time it takes to clip, save, and redeem the coupon.  However, I know there are people out there who live the "extreme" coupon lifestyle.  They have houses stocked full of paper towels, beenie-weenies, and canned fruit, all of which cost a total of $1.00 thanks to coupons.  Even those people, though, would not stuff a coupon up their BH in order to keep it safe while they served hard time.  Throughout the day, I have tried to think of a coupon that would mean that much to me.  So far, I have nothing.  

I found this article today, but all these shenanigans went down back in February.  I could not find an update on Nick, so I am not sure if he is still incarcerated or not.  I hope he used or is using his time in the Big House to think about what career path he should take when released.  With his obvious strict record keeping habits, accounting is a possibility; there are several reality television shows focusing on couponing, and I think he would fit in nicely with that demographic; and it goes without saying that he would be a star in the anal porn industry.  Like my Daisy always says, 
"If you got the talent, honey, flaunt it."  

1 comment:

  1. BFF here. Okay, so I had to click on the Target receipt. Is the first item a "wife" for $3.99?!