Saturday, July 23, 2011

A Brand New Tea Party

Debt-ceiling.  Can I tell you how sick I am of hearing those words? I am mad that I am forced to know what the United States debt-ceiling is, how many times it has been raised, and what will happen if we do not raise it now.  Let's face it, I do not have many extra brain cells, and having to use what I have left on such mind-numbingly boring facts just pisses me off.

To add to our torment, seemingly every elected official from the local dog-catcher to the President has held news conferences, released sound-bites, blogged, ranted and/or raved to every camera and microphone that he or she could find within a short running distance.  I am tired of the grandstanding, the in-fighting, the blaming, the rhetoric.

Because I like to live in my own special world, and share that world with you few select lovelies, I have decided to form my own Dream Team of politics.  I have gathered my candidates from the place that I have attained the majority of my education: the television. Let's get this Strong Man's Cup of Tea Party slate of  public servants started:

The President
(Jack Bauer would carry his gun like this into all meetings.  You know, just because.)

Is there any choice for President other than Jack Bauer?  We Americans tend to like the well-schooled, well-bred, and well-heeled to be our Commander-In-Chief.  Well, not in the SMCOT Party.  In my Party, we have a President who knows how to kick ass and take names.  Do you really think if we had someone with Jack's dedication and know-how we would be still negotiating this budget mess?  I would love to see the look on Mitch McConnell's face after meeting with Jack.  Normally, Mitch looks constipated, but I am willing to bet constipation would not be a worry for him after a closed door session with President Bauer.  As for cry-baby Boehner who storms out of negotiations with our current President, let's let watch this and then decide if we think he would be willing to stay for the entire meeting with President Jack:

I am going to say that Mr. Boehner would probably be crying again, but this time for a good reason.

The Vice President
(Jack McFarland would carry Cher into all meetings.  You know, just because.)
George Bush, Dan Qualye, Al Gore, Dick Chaney, Joe Biden.  All boobs, maroons, clowns.  The office of the Vice President is to provide comedic relief to the American public.  When things are looking extremely dire and grim, the VP steps up and drops "F Bomb" in the microphone at a news conference on national television or shoots a hunting buddy in the foot in the forest.  Anything will do, as long as it is something to make the public forget our troubles and say, "At least we aren't that fella."  Sure, the VP is just a heartbeat away from the real job, but apparently, we just don't care.  Plus, with Jack Bauer as our President, it is safe to assume that the job Vice President can go to a total idiot, that is why the easy choice is Jack McFarland.  Jack McFarland, or Just Jack as he is sometimes known, could provide us with hours of laughs, hoots, and hollers.  He could be especially useful to President Bauer to distract the public while "negotiations" are taking place. 

The Secretary of State
(Denny Crane)
Being the Secretary of State is hard.  The job requires a lot of work, constantly traveling the globe being the United States representative in most every global issue.  If there is a crisis in the Middle East (when isn't there?), the Secretary of State is there.  Trouble in some African country we have never heard of (when isn't there?), send the Secretary of State.  An economic crisis in Australia, a military stand-off in Korea, a natural disaster in Iceland: Secretary of State, Secretary of State, Secretary of State.  This position requires someone who has a flair for knowing what words to say at the appropriate time, while making the position of the United States crystal clear.  You have to be sophisticated, yet tough.  The logical choice in the SMCOT Party is Denny Crane. What a way with words The Negotiator has!

The Secretary of Defense
(Doesn't carry an ID. Why? Because everyone should know who she is.)
In these troubled times, it is crucial for the United States to remain tough, ready to fight, and more importantly, ready to win.  We have been waging two wars for many years, and I think it is time to wrap up all this fighting.  SMCOT's choice for Secretary of Defense, Sue Sylvester, is someone who does not lose.  She takes no prisoners, and never, ever loses.  With her in charge of our military, we would be assured victory in any endeavor we choose.  In fact, with this new SMCOT team in place, I see no reason not to invade New Zealand.  On the battlefield, there is nothing scarier than hearing Sue herself say, " All aboard the Sue Sylvester Express.  Destination: Horror."

The Secretary of Justice

(Could carry whatever he likes into every meeting. You know, just because).

I like vampire justice.  Vampires, in the world of Charlaine Harris' True Blood, do not care what people do in their personal lives.  As long as no one is being forced against his will, vamps could care less who you sleep with, pray to, learn from, or talk about.  They follow a code of rules...oh Hell, I don't know.  This is my Dream Team of politics and I want Eric Northman in it.  Eric is the Sheriff of Area 5 in Louisiana, so he has job experience. Deal with it.

The Secretary of Interior
(Representing the South)

Honestly, I have no idea what the Secretary of Interior does, and I am not invested enough to Google it.  All I know is the name makes me think of interior decorators, and the best firm on television is headed up by Julia Sugarbaker's firm.  Julia herself personifies the modern Southern Belle.  She is smart, sophisticated, opinionated, classy, loving, and trustworthy.  What more could you want in a Secretary of Interior?  Nothing, I say, nothing.  Here is an example of why Julia would be a good Cabinet member for any President, not just President Bauer:

So, there is my start to the Strong Man's Cup of Tea Party.  I think it is an unbeatable slate of candidates.  As far as the other Cabinet positions needed, I am still considering my options.  Sophia Petrillo, George Jefferson, and Kramer are all being considered for positions, but until their background checks come back, I will hold off on announcing their appointments.

Any suggestions that you would make?  Who would be your Dream Team?


  1. I'd grab some Beyonce' and Jay-Z, the most successful businesspeople in recent history, to work on that 'job creation' thing. Then I'd rock on over to Margaret Cho for VP cause Jack Bauer needs to chill the F out. Ps what's the secretary of justice? :)

  2. Ha! Ha! I suppose the Secretary of Justice is the Attorney General, but Eric would prefer to be called the Secretary of Justice.