Thursday, June 30, 2011
I believe in magic.
Even though all indications lead me to believe that certain things are not true or do not exist, I still believe in them. No one can actually tell me that there are not faeries in the hills behind my house. I am 100% sure that there are people among us with supernatural powers. I will fully admit that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are fictional characters created for the enjoyment of children, and, more likely, the sanity of parents trying to get their kids to sleep at night, but what about faith and miracles? There are hundreds of unexplained medical healings and miraculous happenings that are well documented across the globe.
Although he makes a good point by saying, "It doesn't matter what you do, (kudzu) is going to be around, (and) ain't that a lot like Jesus?" I still can not accept this as magical. If and when this weed covered utility pole performs a miracle, such as lowering utility rates or getting a Ma's Hotdog House to open in Hyden, the I will reconsider and quite possibly make a pilgrimage there. Especially if the whole Ma's Hotdog House in Hyden part comes true.
Until then, I will cling to the old wooden cross, but mine won't be covered in Kudzu.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
|The Awesomeness is overwhelming.|
|Stupid Strap. I hate Chinatown.|
|There is no manly way to pull off a clutch.|
Finally, I would like to end with a few pictures of some of the great people who shared this adventure to New York with me. Many of them were lucky enough to have been on the cool bus, Bus #1, and for that, I am still jealous.
Although I was blamed for this picture, I had nothing to do with taking it. This is my niece, her friend Breanna, and a guy who I am sure is a very nice and smart young man who just happens to be shirtless and working as a model:
|They aren't happy at all to take this picture.|
Again, I had nothing to do with this picture, but really, you take a group of 13-14 year old boys on a trip, then call me when you look at your pictures:
This is poor Merlene, before she almost lost a toe in one of the "circular door incidents."
The last time any of us saw Traci Gay-Brashear she was trying on that hat the Rockette is wearing in this picture (the Rockette is on the right). We suspect Mrs. Brashear-Dear will be making her Radio City Music Hall debut this winter in the Rockette's Christmas Spectacular.
It is no wonder, really, that the girl in the middle of this photo ran slap-dab into a pane of glass thinking it was an open door in Little Italy. She probably was wearing those those sunglasses at the time.
This dude was really raking in some serious cheddar, yo. I am considering a sign of my own to hold at the Hazard Flea Market on Saturday.
Monday, June 27, 2011
|(No Scared Taxi Rides This Trip)|
|(A role I was born to play.)|
I was on the very tip of the edge of feeling giddy. My days with Evil Nancy were coming to an end. All this responsibility of being in charge of others was very tiring. Honestly, I don't know how parents do it. If I ever buy a child, it will take a village to raise it, because I ain't doing it all by myself, and poor ol' Andy has his hands full handling me. I eased back into my uncomfortable seat, placed my headphones on, turned on some Lady Gaga, and began making notes on the things I would make sure Haley and Stewart saw on their next trip to Gotham with me.
Eventually, we all were herded back on to the bus and told the news. Over her microphone, Evil Nancy said that we had a flat tire and that it looked like we would be here for a bit. It seems that while Nancy and Udean's Christian Tours made sure to carry a spare tire, they did not make sure to carry the appropriate tools to change it. Furthermore, Evil Nancy thought it best that we all just sat on the bus until the roadside assistance company came to help us. There was no need to stretch our legs or go inside McDonald's and relax.
|(WWJD? Have a McFlurry.)|
The cool adults and kids from Bus #1 were already inside McDonald's enjoying themselves and thanking God that they were not on our horrid bus. After about 20 minutes of waiting around, it was decided that Bus #1, and its occupants, should go ahead and leave us. They would travel on to our hotel and wait for us there, in air conditioned rooms with beds and television. I wanted to act like a baby and throw myself onto the dirty floor of McDonald's and cry, kick, and scream until I was allowed to go with them. It was obvious to me that if Jesus was doing any blessing on this trip, he was doing it for the nincompoops on Bus #1.
After the Blessed Bus pulled away, we were left to sit outside in the humid Pennsylvania night for another couple of hours until our tire was repaired. While my friend and I sat and watched the kids play frisbee in the drive-thru, a mutual friend posted a song on Facebook and dedicated it to us. It was "On The Road Again." We chuckled when we saw it, but then my friend perfectly summed up my feelings when she said, "The song dedicated to us should have been "Highway To Hell." The tire was eventually fixed, and we arrived in our hotel room around 2:00 am, and thankfully, were allowed a few extra hours to sleep in the next morning.
As we ate our breakfast and prepared for the last stretch of drive that would bring us home, the kids were getting excited. It is always nice to go away, but it is great to go home. I couldn't help but smile as I listened to their conversations that morning. They had been in what many consider the most exciting place on Earth, the center of our civilization, the city of cities, but what I heard coming from these teenagers:
"Boy, I can't wait to get back to Jack's Creek."
"I bet the grass is knee-high up Bullskin. I will have to mow for a week."
"I hope Dale Holler Lake is warm enough to swim in when we get back."
"I would say mine and papaw's tomato plants are sprouting by now."
I was happy that this group of kids got to visit Manhattan, but I was even happier to bring them back home. Hopefully, this trip will help them understand there is a big world out there waiting for them, and they can choose to live and conquer any part of it, whether it be the bustling streets of New York City or the grassy bank of Jack's Creek. School trips that expose these mountain kids to such diversity is a true blessing, and I am thankful to have shared this experience with them. And, to Evil Nancy I still say, "Suck it."
|Some of the good kids that made the trip great!|
Thursday, June 23, 2011
|(Another inappropriate picture I posted to bother my Sister.)|
Or Chris Rock's new hit play, "Motherfu@ker With The Hat":
For dinner, I thought to myself that a nice slice of authentic New York pizza or even a hot dog from a stand would be a nice change for dinner for the group. At the very least, perhaps a Hard Rock Cafe. I knew that a tour company would not be taking us to Sardis, but I did expect something out of the ordinary. That is when I heard the buzz spreading through Bus #2. Dinner would, in fact, be at Applebee's. "I'm sorry," I said to my seat mate, "for a second there I thought you said that we were eating at Applebee's." "I did say Applebee's, but at least it is the one in Times Square" she replied. Why was she always so positive and bubbly?!
|(What would have been a good NYC dinner.)|
|(Not a happy hour for me.)|
|(WTH are Riblets?)|
That alone made my trip worthwhile! I did feel sorry for her, bless her heart, but I so needed a pick-me-up at that moment, and her sacrifice was much appreciated. The only thing that possibly could have made it any better would for it to have happened to our tour guide, Evil Nancy. But, on this particular night, I would take what I could get, and be satisfied with it.
We finally arrived back in our hotel room, and my niece and nephew hit the halls as I hit the shower, then my pill box. Tonight, however, I was not looking for a Xanax. Instead, I was hoping I had been as smart as some of the Responsible Adults and packed some Gas-X. Whether in New York or Hazard, it does not matter, Crapplebees is just plain horrid.
|(Do not eat Riblets without this handy.)|
|(Me with the Golden Ticket.)|
I had THE most amazing thing happen to me this past weekend in Lexington. I met my good friend Erin and her sister Jen Rose for a coffee and catch-up session. Well, lo and behold, Erin pulls out a piece of paper that is a print out of one my blogs. She then tells me that she has a friend who is A FAN OF MY BLOG! And, it gets better, this fan wanted my autograph! Seriously?! Seriously.
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
|(Jules, if you know how to Photoshop, can you erase that double chin for me?)|
So, my new BFF is named Julie, and I sometimes call her Jules. Julie is the first person other than my mother to actually want my autograph! If I knew your phone number, Julie, I would now text you every five minutes so we could giggle and have lots and lots of inside jokes. I will dedicate my first book to you under the pseudonym "People of Kentucky."
To those of you who have read my stories before and failed to ask for an autograph, Suck It. You had your chance. Julie is now my favorite.
This is just for you, Jules:
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
|(example of pic to bother my Sister)|
|(A group of New Yorkers walking to work.)|
My Bikram Yoga Experience My Bikram Yoga Experience Part Two
|(Our group crossing the streets of New York.)|
|(Dangnabit, we are crossing this blasted street!)|
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
After what seemed to be an endless journey for me, and an even longer one, I am sure, for my seat mate, Nancy & Udean's Christian Tours finally rolled into the greater New York Metropolitan Area. Everyone was giddy for different reasons. Many were excited to finally get to see New York City, a lot were thrilled to finally just get off the bus, my seat mate was happy to have some breathing room, and I was thrilled to be out of the enclosed space with Evil Nancy, the Christian Tour Director. Although she would remain with us and in charge while we were in the city, at least we were not trapped with her and could spend time with our friends from Bus #1, which I had now dubbed the "cool bus."
|(Stewart & Haley. Oh, & Lady Liberty)|
|(This ain't Ellis Island)|
|(A nicer picture of Chinatown.)|
Once we actually hit Manhattan, the real fun began. We made a stop for a shopping excursion in Chinatown. For anyone who doesn't know, Chinatown is basically a large group of city blocks that for all practical purposes would be called a flea market in any other town in America. It isn't the cleanest place, and all of the items purchased there are either illegal designer knock-offs or just plain illegal. It did cross my mind that while shopping in Chinatown is a common tourist activity when visiting New York, it was an odd choice for Nancy & Udean's Christian Tours.
|(Vendor thinking he was going make a big sale)|
As we stepped off the bus, I am sure that the vendors and booth workers began licking their chops. Here were one hundred country bumpkins with their eyes bugged out and their mouths gaped open stepping onto their sidewalks. The vendors knew the bumpkins would have cash and would want designer souvenirs from New York City. You could almost see the excitement in their eyes as they sized us all up and decided that today sales be good and money would flowing. That was their fatal mistake.
|(Innocent or Savvy?)|
they were stymied with an onslaught of bargaining that was unrelenting until the Appalachian was satisfied. There were lots of problems communicating due to the competing strong accents, but I think everyone concerned knew exactly what was meant by comments such as "Brother, don't pee on my leg and tell me it is raining," and, "Uh Buddy, I said I not for that price. You keep flappin' your jaws like that and you'll get your tongue sunburned." However, when asked if a particular brand of purse or sunglasses was "any count," most of the vendors did not quite know how to reply to their customers.
As we headed back to our bus for our next stop on the tour, I swear I saw two Chinese ladies actually crying and following behind a group of the LC women. They had apparently not come off their price fast enough orlow enough or had done something to lose favor. The Appalachian women would have nothing to do with them or their shoddy jewelry at this point. It was a sight to behold.
|(needs a few mountain women)|
We boarded the bus and headed for dinner in Times Square. Had I not been so scared of Evil Nancy, I would have suggested that we waste no more time and drive this group of women directly to Trump Towers. This group of Leslie Countians would eat those MBA's vying for a position on The Apprentice for breakfast. If Donald Trump were truly smart, he would recruit himself a few of these mountain women to run his empire. Heck, if Obama were smart, he would get them run this country.
They were that good, and I was glad to have gotten to see them in action.