Monday, May 30, 2011

2011 - The Bedazzled Summer?

Ah, Memorial Day.  The unofficial beginning to summer.  Sunshine.  Swimming pools. Grilling.  This is the day that you realize that there will be no more days of snow, of frost, of bone-chilling winds for at least 4 months.  You are completely in the clear to pull from storage all patio furniture, grills, and water toys.  Open the pool. Tune up the jet skis.  Disinfect the coolers.  The world is your oyster!  By the way, enjoy this feeling.  It usually only lasts a few weeks until around mid-June when people start complaining about the sweltering humidity and oppressive heat of summer.

During my years in Florida, I became desensitized to this glorious feeling of euphoria that comes on this day. My pool stayed open year-round, and I became cranky with a week of 60-degree weather, usually stating that I was freezing my bits and pieces off.  Although Florida living has many advantages, appreciating Mother Nature's ever changing moods is not something that you can thoroughly achieve living at the beach.

With the advent of warm weather, unfortunately for most, comes the requirement of skimpier clothes.  Clothes that are intended to help a body not overheat in the warmth of the sun or allow a body to perform at its maximum peak during all summertime activities, such as swimming.  To my dismay, many people couple the need for this need for this type of clothing with very unrealistic body images of themselves.  When that happens, things like this happen:

(Family Reunion, Memorial Day 2010)

(Pretty people.)
However, my own family notwithstanding, many people can pull off very nice summer looks.  These people are slim, trim, and hairless.  They can pull off showing and tanning body parts that I haven't even been able to see on my own body in three years.  If I said I did not hate this people, I would be lying.

I have discovered a new fad, however, that I implore each and every man, beautiful body or not, to avoid this summer. 

(I ain't talking about your mother's Be-dazzler)
The first, and most disturbing, is the Pejazzle.  The Pejazzle is basically a set of self-stick shiny objects to be-dazzle your penis.  That is correct. Be-dazzle your penis.  I am not sure what occasion this would be needed for, but I would think it would be a warm weather event.  Perhaps a poolside cocktail (no pun intended) party? 

(Another caveat: Only the well-hung have a chance with this)
The inventor is quoted as saying, "Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings - this is no different."  Um, yes sir, it is different.  He also advises shaving the area before applying the be-dazzle.  For the extremely hairy, which I assume would mean most men over the age of, oh 20, he says that a judicious waxing or laser removal may be necessary.  OK, now we have crossed the line.  If any of you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I am all for manscaping: keeping the lawn in control, but not removing it, with few exceptions. My motto is "If it's gray, take it away. If it's black, cut it some slack." (I actually just made up that motto, but I think I like it.)  If you have to wax your naughty area in order to wear a fashion accessory, I say it is too much trouble.  Furthermore, how do you go to the bathroom with that thing on?  And how do you get it off?

The only thing worse, I suppose, would be wearing the accessory without first waxing.  See the viscous circle the Pejazzle draws?  It just isn't worth it.  It does not bring sexy back.  In fact, it only brings pain, and probably razor burn. 

In case you want to order, here is the website:
Pejazzle My Penis!
If you do order, I ask only one things: please send me a picture so I can post and make fun of results.

1 comment:

  1. I know that lol means laughing out loud but I seldom actually do it until I read this! One of the funniest things I have read in a long time....I am sharing it on facebook so that others can have some giggles too....