Saturday, April 16, 2011

Listen to your Mother

(Very similar to my life every day as a boy.)
 If your mother is anything like mine, she bombarded you with all sorts of ominous warnings about life.  Most of the time, these warnings were the dire consequences of doing something she did not want you to do.  "Do not run with those scissors in your hand, you will fall on them and stab yourself."  "Do not run beside the swimming pool, you will trip and fall into it and and drown."  "It is all fun and games until you put an eye out."

(Something that would be sold at a sex store)
Even as a child, I did not take much stock in these motherly cautionary counsels.  However, today I read an article that made me begin to wonder if maybe she was telling the truth.  Although my mother has never specifically cautioned me on going to an adult bookstore, I am sure she would not approve.  She may even say, "Do not go into an adult or you will spontaneously burst into flames."  Here is the link:

Man Bursts Into Flames In Sex Shop

This article is disturbing on my many levels, but there is one level that I can not get past.  What if our mothers were right?  What if the flaming man's mother had repeatedly told him that he was going to be struck down for going to those ol' sex stores?  Now, I am re-thinking all the warnings my mother told me.  They suddenly have new, significant meanings.

(A Mom with her tattle-tale bird.)
Does my mother really communicate with animals?  It seems every time I got in trouble as a child, my mother would start the conversation by saying, "A little bird told me..."  I have to now wonder if there were such birds in cahoots with mom, spying on my every move and reporting back to her any and all of my wrong doings.

If I go barefoot will I really get worms?  What kind of worms are these that love barefoot children?  How do they enter your body through your feet? And are these worms at our mothers command, squirming at the ready to enter a disobedient child's foot at a given signal, perhaps a worm whistle that is given to a mother when she delivers her first child?

If I am not careful and swallow a watermelon seed, will a melon really grow inside me?  Will it be a full sized watermelon or one of those small ones?  More importantly, how will I get it out?  Speaking of food, if I accidentally eat a fish bone will it lodge in my throat and choke me to death?  Are fish bones immune to CPR?  Is this a particular fish bone from a specific fish or just any of the bones of any fish?

There are a few other mother-isms that I either previously doubted but no longer do or just did not listen to which I will now.  They really need no explanation, but do warrant a mention:
  • Always wear clean underwear in case you are in a wreck.
  • Shit in one hand and want in another.  See which one fills up faster.
  • Stop it or you will go blind.
OK, of those I will adhere to two out of three.  That ain't bad.  Thanks, Mom!
(Mama Stewart)
Leave a comment on some of the things your mother warned you about!


  1. Often heard from my Knott County spouse who said his grandmother always told him, "Shit in one hand and want in the other, see which fills faster." She also always told him that an "anything" was a pig turd.
    So much interest in fecal matter(s) isn't healthy.

  2. you actually can get worms going barefoot. Hook worms can enter through the pores of your feet.

  3. "If you make that ugly face, you're face will freeze that way."