My First "Movie"

I may not know where I'm going, but I'm sure where I come from...

Warning, Mountain People! Be Suspicious of This App!

(Is it odd that KY Homeland Security has an armed citizen for its logo?)

While browsing through online news, I discovered that the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security has developed and released an iPhone App that allows people to send the state Homeland Security Office tips and leads on any suspicious behavior that may be linked to any terrorist activity. These tips and leads can be made anonymously, if so desired. 

(The App)

“Instead of having to wait until they got home to the desktop computer or laptop computer in accessing our website and then linking to the reporting portal, they could bring up that app on their iPhone and basically enter the same information while they’re standing there watching the activity or looking at whatever it is they might see,” said Shelby Lawson, the KOHS’ deputy executive director of operations and prevention.

While this is all very fine and good, and probably very useful in the more urban areas of Louisville, Lexington, and Northern Kentucky, I have to wonder what behavior in mountain towns such as Hyden, Hazard, Harlan, and Manchester would be deemed terroristically criminal?  I smell trouble a-brewin'.

(Could be seen on streets of Hyden anytime)







Certainly, seeing a grown man wearing camouflage, a baseball hat, and sunglasses with a rifle hanging over his shoulder riding a four-wheeled ATV and an unmarked cooler strapped on the back cruising down Main Street in Hyden is not an usual sight.  It is probably Billy Bob or Bobby Dean just heading home from one of the trails or possibly going to the IGA grocery store for his wife, Bertha Mae.  With this new iPhone App, some city slicker who is visiting our fair town may be frightened and feel threatened.  Little does he know that the rifle is probably not loaded and that cooler is just so Billy Bob/Bobby Dean can get his milk and New York strip steaks (they are on sale this week) home safely from the IGA home to Bertha Mae.  But now, this visitor can use his App to take a photo and send the information on the Homeland Security Office.  The next thing Billy Bob/Bobby Dean knows, a SWAT team surrounds his trailer, confiscates his four-wheeler, and hauls him off to be water-boarded, leaving stunned Bertha Mae standing at the grill with two New York strip steaks frying.

(Billy Bob/Bobby Dean and Bertha Mae.  Poor Bertha Mae.)

(Harmless or Terrorists?)

In front of the Leslie County courthouse, on the corner of Main Street and River Road a group of men can often be found sitting on the benches each evening.  Most of the time, some storytelling and gossiping is all that goes on, but occasionally, the talk may turn to pistols or knives.  When this happens, they all pull out whatever weapon they have either in their pocket or under the seat in their truck.  They brag and go on and on about each particular weapon of destruction, as proud as they were when they had their first child.  Now, suppose during that very moment, a woman from Louisville is driving through Hyden and looks over at the men.  In her eyes, she sees a rogue militia, gathering their weapons and getting ready to storm the courthouse.  With this new App, all it takes is a punch and a click for her to report what she has seen to Homeland Security.  The end result is that 4 deacons of the Baptist church, 2 Elders from the Presbyterian church,  3 Pentecostals, and 9 Masons are hauled off to Guantanamo for suspicion of terrorism.

(Hyden, no place for terrorists!)

If this iPhone App prevents actual terrorists from blowing up the Humana building in Louisville, or attacking a school or university in Kentucky, then it will be well worth it.  Until then, my mountain people, I leave you with a quote from President Franklin D. Roosevelt: "So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Truer words never said.

Listen to your Mother

(Very similar to my life every day as a boy.)

 If your mother is anything like mine, she bombarded you with all sorts of ominous warnings about life.  Most of the time, these warnings were the dire consequences of doing something she did not want you to do.  "Do not run with those scissors in your hand, you will fall on them and stab yourself."  "Do not run beside the swimming pool, you will trip and fall into it and and drown."  "It is all fun and games until you put an eye out."

(Something that would be sold at a sex store)

Even as a child, I did not take much stock in these motherly cautionary counsels.  However, today I read an article that made me begin to wonder if maybe she was telling the truth.  Although my mother has never specifically cautioned me on going to an adult bookstore, I am sure she would not approve.  She may even say, "Do not go into an adult or you will spontaneously burst into flames."  Here is the link:

Man Bursts Into Flames In Sex Shop

This article is disturbing on my many levels, but there is one level that I can not get past.  What if our mothers were right?  What if the flaming man's mother had repeatedly told him that he was going to be struck down for going to those ol' sex stores?  Now, I am re-thinking all the warnings my mother told me.  They suddenly have new, significant meanings.

(A Mom with her tattle-tale bird.)

Does my mother really communicate with animals?  It seems every time I got in trouble as a child, my mother would start the conversation by saying, "A little bird told me..."  I have to now wonder if there were such birds in cahoots with mom, spying on my every move and reporting back to her any and all of my wrong doings.

If I go barefoot will I really get worms?  What kind of worms are these that love barefoot children?  How do they enter your body through your feet? And are these worms at our mothers command, squirming at the ready to enter a disobedient child's foot at a given signal, perhaps a worm whistle that is given to a mother when she delivers her first child?

If I am not careful and swallow a watermelon seed, will a melon really grow inside me?  Will it be a full sized watermelon or one of those small ones?  More importantly, how will I get it out?  Speaking of food, if I accidentally eat a fish bone will it lodge in my throat and choke me to death?  Are fish bones immune to CPR?  Is this a particular fish bone from a specific fish or just any of the bones of any fish?

There are a few other mother-isms that I either previously doubted but no longer do or just did not listen to which I will now.  They really need no explanation, but do warrant a mention:

• Always wear clean underwear in case you are in a wreck.
• Shit in one hand and want in another.  See which one fills up faster.
• Stop it or you will go blind.

OK, of those I will adhere to two out of three.  That ain't bad.  Thanks, Mom!

(Mama Stewart)

Leave a comment on some of the things your mother warned you about!

A New Idea

For the past few months, I have been lucky enough to narrate a few of my stories for a radio show called "Keep Hearing Voices." 

www.crescenthillradio.com

 The show is on a local Louisville radio station, 1650 AM Crescent Hill Radio.  In case anyone is interested in hearing some of the past episodes, you can click on the link here and they are all archived on the website.  Keep Hearing Voices  If you want to listen "live," then tune into your computer at 12:00 Noon on Saturday morning.  I tune in via my computer all throughout the week because there are a lot of different great shows and music available there.  I highly recommend you check it out.

(not really Marie)

But, let's focus back on me. :-)  Keep Hearing Voices is a show that is based on the idea that no one voice is any better than anyone else.  Different writers share their stories, different bands and songwriters share their songs.  It is very eclectic, funny, strange, and awesome.  My segment is called A Strong Man's Cup of Tea, of course.  But for the past few weeks, my friend Marie (the show's host) and I have been scheming a new segment.  The end result of this scheming will debut this Saturday on the show.  It is called Re-Telling It Like It Is.  The concept of the show works this way.  Because I will shamelessly tell any embarrassing story that has happened to me, I sometimes forget that others are not as comfortable sharing their not-so-great moments.  So what these people can now do is send an email to Marie at the radio station describing their embarrassing moment, and I will take it and run with it. I do not share the person's name on the air (if they don't want it to be shared), and I will then re-tell the story as I think it should have happened, maybe adding a little flair here and there.

This concept has been such fun, I thought I would try it as an occasional bit on my blog.  If any of you readers have an embarrassing moment  you would like to share, feel free to email me at astrongmanscupoftea@gmail.com.  Let me know if you want it spruced up or told as is, and if you want your name used or not, and I will help you come out the embarassment closet!

(Come out of the Embarrassment Closet!)

(Go Big Blue!)

To start this idea on my blog, I am going to share with you a little something that happened very recently to a good friend of mine.  He, his kids, and his parents were fortunate enough to head to Houston, Texas, for the NCAA Final Four a few weeks ago.  My friend had read my blog post about my riding in a car as my aging parents drove, and the resulting fear that sank down deep inside of me.  He is the same age as I am, and so he was now experiencing the same thing.  The biggest difference, however, is that he was experiencing his aging father's driving in the multi-lane interstates of America's fourth largest city, and not the Daniel Boone Parkway.

What follows are actual texts I received from him:

April 2, 2011 12:53
Keith,  My God. I am shotgun with Dad in a rental car going 90 mph toward downtown Houston.  Mom is backseat screaming at me.  She apparently thinks I know the layout of Houston, and is expecting me to give directions to Dad.

April 2, 2011 12:57
Mom has just screamed "Just pick one lane and take it, by Hell!!"  Help.

April 2, 2011 1:03
AT&T has just called mother in the backseat.  There is obviously an ongoing fight she is waging with them because she is livid.  Apparently, she and Dad have separate accounts and she pays them both with one check.  AT&T has credited the entire check to Dad's account and is showing her account as delinquent and Dad's with a credit balance.  Mom just called someone a #$^%@~!((.  I am not sure if she is talking to Dad or AT&T.

April 2, 2011 1:04
94 mph, 4 lanes. We are of course in the fastest lane.

April 2, 2011 1:06
Dad can not read any of the road signs and keeps mentioning it.  He seems very proud of his driving skills coupled with no vision.

April 2, 2011 1:09
I have now been reprimanded from the back seat for not helping the driver read the road signs.

April 2, 2011 1:09
By the way, we are heading to the stadium now we can get a good parking spot.  It is 1:00 PM and the Cats do not play until 9:00 PM.

April 2, 2011 1:10
I swear we are on two wheels, merging with four more lanes of traffic.  Mom insisted on sitting in the back seat, but it will be my fault if I don't see the sign for the exit to the stadium or when we sideswipe someone.

April 2, 2011 1:12
My texts are becoming more frazzled now as we break record speed limits.  No kidding.  I think he is pumped that his driving is so good despite the fact he can not see "a blank thing" he proudly says.  

April 2, 2011 1:13
I'm scared.

April 2, 2011 1:15
Mom is now mad because while she was on the phone with AT&T she forgot to look for Gilley's, and Dad just told her that it burned down 20 years ago.  ARHH Braskeslam!

April 2, 2011 1:15
Sorry, brake slam.  They r wild!!  Scared!

April 2, 2011 1:17
My child just asked from the backseat how much money a marine biologist makes. How is he blocking this all out?!

April 2, 2011 1:28
We made it!  Dang good parking spot.  Now, just 8 hours of wait time.  Go Cats!

(Similar to my friend's family

)

And...scene.

Ah, parents.  Gotta love them!

If you want to share with me, email me at astrongmanscupoftea@gmail.com, and leave me a comment to let me know if you would like to see more or less of this bit.

Here is a link to last week's Keep Hearing Voices show:
http://www.crescenthillradio.com/archives/KHV34April9.mp3

A Confession

My name is Keith Stewart, and I am not a good driver.

There I said.  Whew!  I feel better already.  My therapist always says that admitting your problem is the first step to defeating it.    I know that you are all now saying to yourself or to someone in the room with you, "The Strong Man sees a therapist?"  Yes, imagine exactly how crazy and out of control I would be without professional guidance and a very complex mixture of medication and an occasional cycle of shock therapy.   I also know that by just admitting that I do not drive well will not help make me a better driver.  Only concentration, lessons, and a desire to improve will do that, and I don't have that kind of time.  What I hope this admission will do, however, is absolve me from future accidents that I may cause while driving my car.  At the very least, when we are standing by the side of the road looking at your car, balanced on one wheel and missing all four doors, and my car is a few feet away with a guilty look on its grill, I will be able to say I told you so.

(I have seen this look so many times.)

I understand road rage.  I cause it.  I am the driver that speeds up during fast songs and slows down during slow ones regardless of which lane I may driving in.  I can be in the left passing lane making my way down the interstate, and if, say,  "In My Life," by the Beatles or "Time After Time," by Cyndi Lauper comes on my radio, I immediately take my foot completely off the gas pedal.  It isn't a gradual motion, it is an instantaneous one.  There is usually some fumbling going on as I try to adjust the volume and prepare myself for the emotional onslaught that will hit me when the song takes control.  And the song always takes control.  Being under the song's control, usually makes me swerve my car a bit, mostly into the right lane because I tend to hang to the right.  I can't tell you how many times in the middle of belting out, "IF YOU'RE LOST YOU CAN LOOK AND YOU WILL FIND ME, TIME AFTER TIME," a car behind me in the passing lane who was just moments earlier using me to draft behind, like in Nascar, has almost rear-ended me at 80 mph because I have slowed to 50 mph..  My look to the guy who has almost rammed into me, via the rear view mirror, is always one that expresses "I can not help that Lady Gaga's Bad Romance was played just before Time After Time.  I am not the DJ.  I don't make the playlist, buddy.  Honestly, you want to continue at this speed while Time After Time is playing?  Well, I won't have any part of that.  You will have to pass me from the other lane, Mr. No Respect For Cyndi Lauper." It is quite a look.

(Sometimes, I forget.)

I have also driven hundreds of miles on interstates and parkways with my turn signals flashing.  I don't know why.  I can not explain it.  Sometimes, I have even heard the constant "tick-tick, tick-tick" noise that the signals make to alert the driver that they are in use and a turn should be imminently made.  Because I know nothing about the mechanics of a car, I just ignore any sounds like that in the hopes that they will go away.  Therefore, any noise that my car makes, I just assume means that something needs to be checked on the next time I take it in for service or Andy braves up and rides somewhere with me in my car.   By the way, the same rule works splendidly for the "Check Engine" light, and odd smells in the car as well. 
 

(I said I Love You, but I lied.)

(Place Big Gulp Here.)

Not only have I ignored the turn signals, but also other parts of the car.  Once while I was away at college, I bought a new Michael Bolton cassette (oh, leave me be) to listen to on my two hour drive home for a long weekend.  I also stopped to gas up the car and buy a Big Gulp before hitting the highway.  When I settled in for the drive, I popped in the cassette and angled my body so that the Big Gulp was held tightly between my leg and the middle of the steering wheel.  While listening to the music, I just assumed that I had either purchased an irregular cassette at the Disc Jockey, or that Michael Bolton had some sort of weird instrument that was playing in every single song on side A.  It was not until the cassette needed flipped to Side B that I realized the weird instrument was a car horn.  My car horn.  The Big Gulp was pressed directly on the horn button of my car, and I was so wrapped up and distracted about other things that I did not notice.  I am sure that all the other cars on the 70 mile stretch of I-75 from Lexington to London noticed it.  I distinctly remember that everyone who passed me, as I was driving slowly due to Michael Bolton's love of the ballad, kept strangely looking at me.  I thought maybe I had a flat tire or something, but I was not going to stop for that.  I would have someone look at it next time I took the car in for service.

(Don't on my watch, UniBrow!)

I also have a horrible tendency to look at myself in the rear view mirror for too long, and stray out of my lane.  This is particularly bad on two-lane mountain roads, and I have tried to stop doing it since moving back to the hills.  It isn't that I am vain.  I usually will just start thinking about things while driving, such as "I wonder if my sideburns are too long?" or "Did that new hair gel dry or does my hair look wet?" or "Is my uni-brow growing back already? or "What do I look like singing this song?"

There you have it.  My written confession.  I do not drive well.  I have been to traffic school many times, and it just doesn't take.  I would say I will do better, but it would be a lie.  So, really, the ball is your court now.  You have been warned.

Weekly Topix-ical News Briefing

It is time for this week's Topix-ical news briefing.  I decided to spread my wings a bit this week and venture outside of the Hyden Forum.  Because I have a lot of family, and therefore, readers in London, Kentucky, I decided to check out what was happening in Laurel County.  I am so glad that I did, and I think you will be, too!

As usual, the bold print is the real Topix Forum post name.  I change only individuals names.  The itialized print is my little addition.   Here we go!

Smell on East80/Tomcat Trail Area

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?

What's that, you say?  A smell?  In a place called Tomcat Trail?  Yes, I would imagine there is a smell there.  It is probably cat piss.

You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence but You Can't Make Him Think.

Non-thinking Atheist.

Ain't it truth?  Since we now have scientific fact of the existence of a God, why won't these people think?  Twice, I have taken my two atheist friends to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, and they still refuse to think.  Just sit there like knobs on a log.  How much more evidence can I lead them to?  Perhaps when the Noah's Ark Theme Park or the Busch Garden of Eden opens, they will not be able to ignore all the facts any longer.

Is Speech a disability?

I never believed it to be until I found the Topix website. However, if  people who post on here speak the way they write, then the answer is most certainly YES.

Dorthea Jackson is a prime example that a person can change.

Go, Dorthea! Well, go only if your change was for the better.  I didn't click on the post to actually read it.  If you gained like 300 pounds or shot up so many drugs your arms fell off, then Bad, Dorthea, Bad. 
Hey, know who else is a prime example that a person can change? Batman.

Some CHOIRS don't know how to judge speed with MUSIC

This just tickled me to death.  How resfreshing!  In the midst of smells, drugs, affairs, and stealing, someone has become so upset while attending church they have gotten online to trash their fellow worshipers.  I picture this little old lady rushing home from her Sunday service and posting this, just furious that Ethel played "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" in three quarter time. How dare she?!  Why, the only one who will understand this are those people on Topix.  RedVelvetBloomers, IGotNoStank, and LurvlyWomern will know what to say about this!  I'll seek their advice.

Jason that goes around pooping all over the walls

Now, please do not get this Jason confused with the one who goes around peeing all over the walls, because I did that once, and let me tell you it was NOT pretty.  Apparently, Jason that goes around pooping all over the walls hates Jason who goes around peeing all over the walls.  I just assumed they worked together.  They don't.  Take my advice on this.  Jason that goes around peeing all over the walls is pretty cool, but Jason that goes around pooping all over the walls is just an ass.


Creepy



Free Hamster

There is not enough love or money in this world that would convince me to accept a free hamster from someone on the Topix website.  I already think that hamsters are creepy, but a free one from Topix, can you imagine?  I mean can you imagine?!

What do you do to turn on your hubby?

Ah, the question of the ages.  You could shoot him.  Hit him with a frying pan.  Drop an anvil on top of his head.  Wait, what's that?  Oh, turn ON your hubby, not TURN on your hubby.  Sorry, I misread.

How Many Thinks Walmart Fried Chicken Is Better Than Kroger?

For the love of all that is holy, Londoners, Laurel County is the birthday of the Colonel!  KF-freaking C was started in your backyard!  You host THE WORLD CHICKEN FESTIVAL.  Have some respect for yourselves and either buy KFC or chicken fried at a convenience store as God intended.

Jessie HATED his job.

He did.  He hated it.  Know how I know?  Jessie is friend.  Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine.  But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define.  Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine.

CD Player found at Clarks

That post was two weeks ago, and at last report, no one had yet figured out how it works or even how to get the cassette in it.

Justing Beibler

Wow! I had no idea how in touch the London Forum was with celebrity news.  I can not believe that they actually have a post about the little known twin of Justin Beiber.  Apparently, the Beiber Machine decided it best not to admit to having the twin brother, but word of him leaked out.  Apparently, it leaked out in Laurel County.  Well, since the cat is out of the bag, I guess it is safe to post my picture of Justing Beibler:

I hope you have enjoyed this weeks Topix-ical news briefing.  Until next week, remember, if it isn't on Topix, then it probably is true.

My Most Unexpected Mentor

(Kill me.)

I have been away from the mind-numbing world of corporate America for a little over a year now, and although many changes and lots of bad things have happened during that year, I have come out on the other side of it happier than I have been in a very long time.  The mere thought of going back to a world where I work inside a windowless office or a cubicle makes me nauseous.

Of course, financially, I was much better off playing the role of a corporate accountant, a role that I could never entirely throw myself into with gusto.  Not that I am struggling to find money for food; you can look at me and see that I am earning enough coin to eat, and eat well.  But, when operating your own business and a family business in need of renewal, you are not always sure that when payday Friday rolls around, your name will be on the payroll register.

On the bright side, according to Blogger.com, I have earned $9.54 with the stupid ads that I have allowed them to put on my blog page.  I guess someone can't say that he has never been paid for his writing anymore!  How one would even go about actually receiving the $9.54 is a mystery, and if I knew enough about the mechanics of Blogger.com, I would turn the ads off because they annoy me.

That being said, this week I read that Bristol Palin, daughter of, you betcha, Sarah Palin, made $262,000 in 2010 for public speaking.  About teenage pregnancy.  Bristol Palin. Teenage pregnancy. $262,000.  Here is the link to the story : WTH?

(Same Candie's as the shoes)

The Candie's Foundation is the group that shelled out these big bucks.  I looked them up, and this is the first sentence on their website, Candies : "The Candie’s Foundation is a non-profit organization that works to shape the way youth in America think about teen pregnancy and parenthood."  

(Typical teen mom)

Oh, OK, I get it.  Perhaps this foundation is FOR teenage pregnancy or, at least, out to show teens both sides of the issue?  They are "shaping the way youth in America" should "think about teen pregnancy and parenthood" by having Bristol Palin, serve as an example.  When Bristol was 18, she and her then boyfriend got pregnant.  Because her mother was a candidate for Vice President, Bristol immediately became a media sensation.  She then broke up with her boyfriend, was invited to be a contestant on the television show "Dancing With the Stars," and hit the professional speaking circuit.  What I gather from all that: "Look, teenage girls!  You can be like me!  I had a baby, my boyfriend dumped me, and I am now on television, making more money than probably 90% of your parents, and I am famous!"  Is this the message that the Candie's Foundation is sending? 

(A good message from the foundation.)

I continued to read on the foundation website, and realized I was wrong.  The foundation is, indeed, against teenage pregnancy and also advocates empowering teens with knowledge.  They also blame the media for their portrayal of teen pregnancy and parenthood (talk about mixed messages).  Apparently, the message that Bristol is to give to the impressionable, young tweens and teens, who have probably only seen her dancing in a ballgown on television, is do as I say not as I do.  But I have to wonder how many in her audience actually picked up the subtlety of that?  I wonder how many instead thought that if the pretty girl speaking to them had a baby when she was teenager, then became successful, rich, and famous why couldn't they?  The girl speaking to them was not thrown out of her parent's home, forced to quit school, reduced to applying for government assistance, and all the other horrible things that their parents and teachers and ministers and counselors  have been saying to them about getting pregnant.  What a refreshing change!

(Look how cool this teen mom is!)

If this "do as I say not as I do" method is widely accepted among professional speakers, then I am going to throw my hat into the ring and start talking.  I have made so many bad decisions, I could book myself for as many appearances as I wanted.  $262k would be a drop in the bucket.  My money troubles would be over!  I could speak to driver's education classes or traffic school students about the dangers of pumping your own gas (See Pump #5), to etiquette classes on being sure they know the work of the artist before meeting him or her (See Song of Bernadette), or even at fitness conferences on the benefits of hot yoga (Hot Yoga) or proper bathroom procedure at the gym (Gym Bathroom Incident).

(This could be me.)

As the article about Bristol said, the Palins truly are the gift that keeps giving.  Who knew have guessed Bristol would end up being my mentor?  Certainly not me.

Who Are You: Ru or Rand?

(Do NOT hand that off to me!)

The looming Federal government shutdown and budget gridlock in Congress has worked me into a tizzy this week.  What is a tizzy, you ask?  It is when you are really aggrivated, anxious, and jumpy, similar to the feeling you would have if you were an Atheist attending a snake-handling church.

Since last November, I have often lamented that I wish Kentucky had voted RuPaul into office as our senator, rather than Rand Paul.  So, as my tizziness worked itself through me this evening, I began to daydream about how different things may be if RuPaul actually was Kentucky's junior sentaor.

First off, she would immediately drop the "junior senator" label. Ain't no 6'7'' queen wearing 5-inch heels and 2-feet wigs going to be called "junior", mmkkaayy?  And I would love to, just once, hear her say from the Senate floor, "The time has come to LIPSYNCH FOR YOUR LIFE! Good luck, and...DON'T FUCK IT UP."  I know that has nothing to do with politics, but it would still be fun to see on C-Span and Fox News.


Finally, after comparing and contrasting Ru and Rand, I found them, shockingly enough, as different as any two people who ever existed in the history of the world.  I did, however, find some interesting tidbits about both R's.  With these tidbits, I decided I would throw together a small quiz to see how well my readers know their queens and senators.  The quiz is listed below.  No cheating via google, damnit!  Enjoy, and DON'T FUCK IT UP!

RuPaul or RandPaul?

1.  Said:  "Newt Gingrich...has more war positions that he's had wives." 

2.  Goes by his given name?

3.  Was in a band called the Wee Wee Poles.

4.  Said: "Fox News...can't decide which they love more, bombing the Middle East or bashing the President."

5.  Said: ""All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money."

Alright...scroll down for the answers. 
















1.  "Newt Gingrich...has more war positions that he's had wives."

That's right! Rand went all mavericky and said it.

2.  Given name:

RuPaul Andre Charles, name given by his Louisiana Mama

3.  Wee Wee Poles band member:

RuPaul was in this band in the early 1980's.
What doesn't belong in a band named Wee Wee Poles?
A 6'7'' black man.

4. "Fox News...can't decide which they love more, bombing the Middle East or bashing the President."

I know, I was surprised too! Makes me feel bad about the clownie face. 
Do you realize how biased Fox News is when the Tea-Party starts
talking smack about them?!

5.  "All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money."

Yes, RuPaul said it.  How very GOP of her!

So, how did you do?  Did you get more RuPaul or Rand Paul?  Please tell me more RuPaul.  We don't need more Rand Pauls.  One is plenty.  Besides, Ru, not Rand said, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"  Words to live by.

Leave a comment below and tell me which R you know better!