Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Waxing Poetic on New Year's Resolutions

This year I am going to mail a birthday card to all my best friends and family.  It is something that will be easy to do.  I can buy a bunch of cards at one time and keep in my man-purse (or murse), set my computer calendar to pop up a reminder (complete with the lucky birthday person's address) a few days ahead of said birthday, and keep a roll of stamps with me in the previously mentioned murse.  How simple!  Plus, it will bring a bit of happiness to all my favorite people!

The above was my 2010 resolution, made in late December 2009.

Number of cards sent:  0.

The good thing about end of year resolution making is that, if you do it right, you really contemplate your life and the direction that it is currently drifting.  You can analyze things and determine any deficiencies or excesses in your life.  Perhaps, after close examination, you find that you have an exercise deficiency and an excess of poundage on your frame.  Naturally, your resolution would be then to get in shape and lose anywhere from 10 to 250 pounds, depending on your frame and the excessiveness of the poundage.  It is a scientific fact that 98% of all Americans make this their resolution each and every year.  One thing you should probably also know when reading this blog is that any sentence starting with the words "It is a scientific fact" is completely made up by me.  It helps prove my points.

You can contemplate deeper, more spiritual things as well.  Perhaps you will find you need to lessen a spiritual void in the new year by trying something new or you will determine that you have a really boring existence and need to cut loose and let down your hair in the coming months.  Maybe you will discover that you are very fortunate and would like to help others who are not so fortunate.  On the other hand, maybe you determine that you are not fortunate at all, and that this coming year is the time to take charge and change your circumstances and start heading to fortunateville.

Really, during these final days of the year, the world is your oyster.  What you don't like about yourself, you can vow to change in just a few days.  What you love about yourself, you can vow to share it with a few people or with the world.

I am not going to talk about how these resolutions will end.  It isn't pretty.  It is a scientific fact that 94.7% of all resolutions are broken within one month of being sworn, and 91% of those are entirely forgotten by Easter.  I don't pretend to know how to prevent this, or even to think that I can keep any of my own resolutions.  But the great thing is that at least I stopped for a few minutes and contemplated how my life was currently rolling.  At least I acknowledged what was working and what was not working, and what I really pictured my ideal life to be.

Who cares if the resolutions don't come true when January hits us with its harsh, bitter reality.  We have these final days of hope.  Hope for a new year that will be better, will make us better, and will make the world better.

I am going to contemplate that before making my 2011 resolutions, and I hope you do too.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Suck It 2010!

The final days of 2010 are here, and I, for one, am thrilled!  Each year brings both good and bad times to everyone, but for some reason 2010 seems to have just flat out sucked for a lot of people.  Untimely and unexpected deaths have affected more of my friends this year than any I can remember, including my immediate family.  I am not the only person I know who lost his/her job in 2010, and I am still an unpublished author while both Sarah Palin and George W. Bush have bestsellers.  I will say it again, 2010 sucked.

Now I know that there were probably an equal number of good things that happened this year.  I have friends and family who got married, had babies, got job promotions, and lost weight.  But you see, none of these things happened to me, so back to my original statement, 2010 sucked.  If you fall into any of the "2010 was great" categories, congratulations, but get your own blog and toot about it there, in this blog if Keith ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

However, the point of this post is not to whine and moan about my crappy year.  It is to say farewell to it and helllooooo to 2011.  According to my place mat at a local restaurant, 2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit (surprisingly, this was not a Chinese restaurant, don't you just love southeastern Kentucky).  How could the year of the rabbit go badly?  Rabbits are cute and soft and cuddly and always make people happy, they fornicate a lot, and their feet are said to bring good luck.  If I can have a year of being cute and cuddly with a lot of fornication and good luck thrown in, I will be one happy camper!  By the way, 2010 was the Chinese Year of the Tiger.  Stupid tiger.

I always think really hard about my resolutions for each new year.  I ponder for days on how I will improve my life.  I concentrate on it so long and so hard I finally convince myself that I am going to make the change I have resolved myself to do.  I will live as Oprah tells me to do.  I will read only "literature."  I will fully abide by "The Secret."  I will eat only healthy, organic foods.  I will lose 184 pounds.  All of this while helping build a water line for a small village in west Africa on my "charity vacation."

These resolutions usually wear thin around January 4th, and by mid-March, I am gorging myself on buffalo wings and beer, watching basketball on television, being my old sarcastic and jaded self, and not even thinking about that village in west Africa that I mentally adopted in December, let alone considering actually going there.

So this year, I am really going to work at hard at finding some ways to change for the better in 2011.  It has to be something attainable and realistic.  Flying to west Africa and building a water line is one thing, but not reading trashy novels and only eating healthy foods?  Yeah, good luck with that.

I will let you know what my resolutions are in the next few days.  Any suggestions are more than welcome!  Please let me know what your resolving to do in 2011 as well!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Big Announcement!

I have news for all of those people who say that stalking is bad.  You are wrong.  For all of you who call it "creepy" or "weird" to obsess over a red-headed, golden-voiced singing angel, pphhhllltttttt!

That is right, kids, I am writing yet another blog on Wynonna.  This will be a short one, but very exciting for me to post.  You see, my dedication and love for Wynonner has paid dividends.

I have been named...get ready...are you ready...OK, here it comes...


I know, I was just as floored and shocked as you are right now when I first read the email naming me the FOTM!  For those people who say that it is enough just to be nominated, they can suck it.  Winning is everything!  You can quote me on that if you want, because I am THE DECEMBER FAN OF THE MONTH ON WYNONNA.COM!

I feel that in honor of this event, I should give an acceptance speech:

I would like to thank my mother and sister who first introduced me the power of Wynonna.  They had seen the Judds open a concert for the Oak Ridge Ridge Boys at Tombstone Junction Park, and bought me a cassette tape of them, thus starting this great journey. 

To Andy, for all the hours he has spent with me speculating things like what Wynonna was doing at that very moment, what she had eaten for dinner that night, if she liked all the drag queen's impersonating her, and if Naomi and Ashley didn't sometimes get on her nerves, too.

To my friend David Spiggle, who shares with me a deep, unabashed love for the Judd family.  Our plans to become Judd boys are coming true, and I share this award with you (I mean "share" only figuratively, this is mine and only mine).

And finally, to Wynonner's staff, who have either finally realized what a good asset I would be to Team Wy, or more than likely, who are sick of me posting my blog and notes on the message boards on  Either way, thank you!

I sent in my picture and the answers to the interview questions this evening (yes!  there was a picture and an interview), and the website should have the December Fan of the Month (ME) posted the first week of January on  If you forget, I will be sure and remind everyone!

Until next time, I am always,

Monday, December 6, 2010

My Letter To A Fellow Juddhead

Dear Older Gentleman,

I want to express my deepest apologies to you for having the unfortunate luck of sitting in Section 3, Row L, Seat 18 last Friday evening at the Judds: The Final Encore Tour concert in Louisville, Kentucky.  It was unfortunate because I was sitting directly behind you in Section 3, Row M, Seat 18.  My fellow Juddhead, I am truly sorry for singing every single word of every single song, almost at the volume of Wynonna herself. 

(How I feel when dancing)
I did not mean to continually bump into the back of your chair, it is just that sometimes my dancing gets a little rambunctious and body parts go places I don't think they necessarily will go.  This problem was also accentuated by my adding a few extra pounds to my frame since the last time I really danced and I was a little unsure of my body's boundaries.
I do feel just terrible about spilling drops, some quite large, of beer down your back and shoulder.  I was just overly excited and really should have been drinking from a sippie-cup.  No, it was not possible to put the beer down as for much of the concert it served as my microphone.

(ABBA, not the Judds)
Most importantly, please believe me when I tell you that I had NO IDEA that I had somehow turned music on my iPhone and played Abba Gold - The Greatest Hits on a repeat loop for the entire concert in your ear.  I do hope you like Australian Supergroups.

If you really think about it, though, fellow Juddhead, your discomfort is a little bit your own fault.  Had you stood up for even one moment of the concert, any and all of the above grievances could have been avoided.  I have never understood people who can attend concerts and then just sit and quietly watch as if they are watching a movie.  Perhaps I am unsophisticated or just plain red behind the collar, but when live music is played in front of me, I like to show my appreciation by whooping and hollering, clapping my hands, and occasionally dancing.  This is also why I have been asked to not renew my season tickets to the Lexington Philharmonic.

Also, Mr. Row L Seat 18, if I had not completely lost my mind and had an out of body experience when Wynonna started sang "Born to be Blue," your forehead would have never made the jumbo-tron as the camera captured my and Andy's most awesome dance moves to one of my all-time favorite songs.  I was happy to share the moment with you, even if to the entire crowd at the Yum! Center I looked like a true, crazed Juddhead and you just looked bored.  Again, that is your own fault.

In conclusion, Mr. Row L Seat 18, I think you should re-evaluate your level of devotion to the Judds.  I know that Mama Judd was off-the-hook-crazy and looked like she was not only drugged but also injected, botoxed, and stretched to the point of no return.  Wynonna, however, was so much more self-confident with her mother beside her that her performance was amazing.  Her country twang was in full-force, but she also sang "Ave Maria" in Latin for heaven's sake!  What more could you want in a concert, Mr. Man?!

Nothing, I tell you.  It was perfection.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Eat. Pray. Love. Weight Watchers.

My feelings toward Weight Watchers has always closely resembled my feelings to most hate groups or cults: disgust.  Just like those quitter Alcoholic Anonymous people who "let go and let God" or "take it one day at a time," Weight Watchers teach/force people to stop having fun and live a healthy life.  Now, I am really good at very few things, and eating and drinking happen to be two of them.  If Weight Watchers took that away from me, what would I have left?  You may as well look for me in the local airport handing out flowers and praying like a Hare-Krishna or going door to door recruiting new Moonie commune members.  So how, then, did I find myself sitting in the Technology Room at the Leslie County High School surrounded by some very pleasant over-eaters at a Weight Watchers meeting?

The answer is the persistence and relentless determination of a skinny, energetic lady named Mollie Sizemore.  Mollie is the local Weight Watcher instructor, and I made the mistake of expressing interest in losing weight and attending WW back in June, but other than that, had done nothing about it.  Mollie, however, did not forget.  She stopped by the pharmacy weekly, usually on WW meeting day, just to say hi and remind that class was that night.  I managed to shake her all summer and remain fat and sassy.  However, when she told me that this week Weight Watchers would change their program for the first time in 13 years, that was apparently the straw that broke my fatback.  I gave in and agreed to attend.

As I sat in the room along with the others, the anticipation was growing and growing about the changes in the Weight Watchers plan.  "What could it be?"  "How could it be improved upon?"  These were common things overheard while waiting for Mollie to unveil the plan.  I personally hoped that the fine people at WW had discovered that butter was actually good for you or that pickled bologna helped burned fat, but deep down I knew that wasn't happening.  Finally, class started!  The big reveal was...

FRUIT HAS NO POINTS!  EAT ALL THE FRUIT YOU WANT!  Huh?  THAT is it?!  What the heck?!  Sure, there were some other changes too, and it makes the plan very doable and even more healthy, but the BIG news to the people in my class was the go-ahead to eat some fruit.  There were several questions to clarify the issue, "So if I ate a banana AND an apple in the same day, that would be zero points?"  "Yes," Mollie replied.  "What if I had peaches at breakfast and some grapes for a snack during TV hour?"  "Zero points," Mollie answered.  People giggled uncontrollably.  Heads were nodding in disbelief.  If women chest-bumped, there would have been some chest-bumping going on in the Technology Room.  I wanted to say if that if Weight Watchers added Chili-Cheese Frito's or Snickers to the zero point list, I would share in the excitement, but I (a) didn't want to bring down the fruit-induced high of the room and (b) was afraid of most of the woman in the class.

After Mollie regained control of the room, and finished explaining the plan, even I was impressed and excited about it.  It seems like a plan that even Mr. Fat and Sassy can follow.  So here I go, into the land of Weight Watchers.  I have joined the cult. 

(Not really my body, yet)
I have drunk the Kool-Aid, and it is sugar-free, my friends.