Keith Stewart’s remarkable adventures usually occur near his hometown of Hyden in the hills of southeastern Kentucky, although he can be found aimlessly wandering the streets of nearby Lexington at any given moment. Before he shed his corporate casing, he worked as a certified public accountant for a multi-national company. He now enjoys less stressful work with much less pay, and blogs and writes and stuff. Oh, and he is as happy as a clam.
Monday, August 16, 2010
What Happens In Vegas, Doesn't Always Stay In Vegas...
(<-- Crazy Cousins)
I have had my fair share of luck with the ol' one-armed bandit in different casinos. For those of you who are respectable, straight-laced readers, a one-armed bandit is a slot machine, at least I think it is. I have also heard of a one-eyed snake, but I think that means something else entirely. On three different occasions, once in Vegas, once in Mississippi, and once on a Carnival cruise ship I hit a slot machine jackpot of some sort and won several hundred dollars. The cousins with me on this trip were also pretty lucky when it came to gambling. They usually play blackjack and end their evenings winning more than they lost. Needless to say, we were pretty confident as we rolled into Las Vegas and down the Strip to our hotel, the MGM Grand.
Andy, who has witnessed all sorts of scenes when the Crazy Cousins come together, tried to instill words of wisdom to me. "Remember to only play the quarter machines." "Do not take every cocktail offered to you in the casino. The reason they are free is so you will get buzzed and lose your inhibitions and gamble more money." I agreed with him completely, and shook my head in the correct spots and headed to the casino to meet up with the cousins. Andy followed along, and parked himself at a video poker machine in between two women roughly the age of, oh, 80-years old. I left him chatting with the women as if they were long lost pals.
I immediately blew through my allotted money for this gambling session without winning anything. I watched the cousins play blackjack, and it seemed that they were having the same bad luck as I was having, so I wandered back over the video poker machines. I took a seat beside Andy, who introduced me to Agnes, a member of the Red Hat Society Club of Topeka, Kansas. I discovered that she and Andy had talked most of the evening so he still had most of his gambling allowance for this session. I asked him for a few coins and started playing the machine. Not knowing how to play poker, it was a bit difficult until I discovered that it was very similar to playing Yahtzee.
Suddenly, two ladies sat down on the other side of me. They introduced themselves as Trina and Marsha, and were very friendly. They asked me tons questions about myself. Me being my favorite subject, I talked away. I explained that Andy and I were from Kentucky, here for a vacation, and had just gotten into town. Marsha then asked if my friend and I liked to party. "Sure! I love parties!" I said. She then asked if we were doing anything after we left the casino. I thought, since she had said she was a local, that knew of a must-see show or a nightclub that had a good dance floor. "I am not sure what we are doing tonight. What would you recommend?" I say. Trina then laughed, put her hand on my leg and replied that the four of us, she and her friend, and Andy and I go somewhere. I then looked over at Andy to see if he was hearing that I had made new friends and to see if he was interested in going out on the town with two locals.
Both Andy and Angus were staring at me with an appalled look. Andy's face was as red as Agnus' hat. Andy pulled me by the neck over into a huddle with him and Agnes and explained that those women beside me were prostitutes. "PROSTITUTES?!" I exclaimed, nervously looking over at Trina and Marsha. Marsha waved at me with her pinkie finger. "Yes, you idiot. That is why they are being so friendly and asking you those questions. "Oh, I don't think so. You think everyone is a prostitute," I said. "Exactly, who else have I ever said was a prostitute?" Andy asked. Just as I was about to make up an answer, Angus said, "Honey, I do believe that they are working ladies." I could tell that Agnes usually got the last word in conversations, so I shook my head and turned back to the ladies.
It was too late at that point. Apparently, Marsha, who had been seated beside Trina, had also been working the man sitting beside her. He did not have to confer with his partner and a member of the Red Hat Society Club of Topeka, Kansas in order to make his decision. As I readied myself to let them down easy, I saw the three of them, Trina and Marsha with the man in the middle heading towards the door of the casino.
"I swear to God, if they were going to the Celine Dion show, I will kill you both," was all I could say to Andy and Agnes.
Las Vegas Night 2 tomorrow!
Posted by Keith S. at 12:01:00 AM
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Oh my God, one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. Thank you!ReplyDelete