Friday, May 7, 2010

Hitting the Technological Wall

Online. 3G. Wireless. Iphone. Ipod. YouTube. Facebook. Twitter. Skype. Email. I admit it, I love it all. I love being connected to everyone in the world in real time, all the time, 24/7. If you can post it, tweet it, blog it, or digg it I am all over it. I don't always know what I am doing, but I sure enjoy trying it. Once I do get the hang of things, watch out, because I am a true high-tech redneck.
I am never, ever without my iPhone. With it, I feel like I can rule the world. There really is an app for everything on every subject, although I will have to admit, most of mine are games and applications that are usually bought by 14-year-old boys. For instance, the newest game on my iPhone is called "Ow, My Balls," and is so fun (and free) that is overtaking the "Atomic Fart" app (also free) as my favorite. Sure, I have some news and nutrition apps, but really, who doesn't enjoy a little potty humor? Admit it, you do. If you have a Y chromosome, it is genetic, you have no choice in the matter.
I do not ever remember a time when texting was not part of my life. I text all the time. I probably prefer texting to talking. I hate when you text someone and as soon as they see the text,they immediately call you. I didn't want to talk to you, or I would have called you. I just wanted to say "'Sup?", nothing more. Now that you have called, I have to stop whatever I am doing and actually speak words. I text so much you would think I would be better at it, but, alas, I was not born with nimble fingers. So, most of my texts take several tries before I say the correct thing. My iPhone tries to help me out, by changing the words I am misspelling into what it thinks I want to say. However, it also changes one of my most common sayings, "Oy," to "It." I don't bother to correct this anymore. Those who receive a lot of texts from me know that a single text reading "It" means "Oy." Now, all the rest of you know it as well, so there is no need to keep correcting it.
Until today, there was only one bit of new technology that I have not embraced, and that was the invention of electronic books. There are several hot brands of these new e-readers, and you can download any book that you want in an instant. I understand the convenience this provides, but I am an old-school reader. I like the way real books feel and smell. I particularly love the smell of library books. It does not matter which library you check a book from, they all have that great, musty smell. I love the feel of the book in my hands. Heck, I even love bookmarks!
Today, I am sad to report, I added a new item to my list of non-embraceable technological advances. The culprit: personal video blogs used for commercials. I enjoy video blogs used as they were intended, but what I ran across today was just wrong. Activia brand yogurt is asking people to keep a two-week video diary log, no pun intended, chronicling a person's road to regularity by eating Activia yogurt. Are you flipping kidding me?! The sad thing is that people will actually do this!
For those of you who do not know what Activia is, it is a yogurt that has added cultures that help to "regulate your digestive system." In other words, it makes you go #2. Imagine all the video diaries that will be submitted in hopes of being on a commercial. I would think that 99% would have the same plot: Day 1 the person is really cranky, crabby, and red-faced. Then by Day 14, the person is so relieved and just as happy and free as you please.
If you have these digestive issues, I implore you to just eat your yogurt in the privacy of your own home, and leave me be. I do not need to know about it. I do not want to know that you finally had a bowel movement on Day 4, and by Day 13 you were as regular as a Swiss watch. I can imagine right now, in southeastern Kentucky, some lady turning her video camera on for her Day 1 testimonial. She is standing in front of the open bathroom door, saying, "I used to be so familiar with this room, but not any more. I have tried everything: laxatives, castor oil, soup beans. Nothing works. I need your help, Activia." Then she opens a container, toasts Jamie Lee Curtis, the Activia spokesperson, and downs the container. Her Day 14 video testimonial will begin with the bathroom door closed. She will open the door and step out of the room, looking flushed and happy. "Whew! Do NOT go in there. Activia, you are the best!" she will say. Then forgetting to stop filming she will yell to someone off camera, "Frank, honey, get yer shotgun out! I have shit a wildcat in there! WHOOO!"
Now, I ask you, is this anything we need to see on television? I think not. Even though I am as linked in to the Internet Age as anyone else, I do have my limits: non-paper books and watching someone shit a wildcat. Potty humor needs to be contained to your iPhone games only.

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