Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Call of the Wild

Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be yuge.

Well, Well, Well.

Here we are in 2017, and things are just as crazy and out-of-kilter as they were in 2016.

No. Just, no.
Our new President is a reality show star. La La Land just tied a record for the most Academy Award nominations. Big Macs are available in different sizes. Basically, the world is spinning out of control.

What's that, you say? If only we had been given some warning of the craziness ahead in 2017. If only there had been some Universal signs to notice.  Ah, my friends, but we were given a heads up. All we needed to do was look to the Animal Kingdom--the real one, not the one at Disney World that costs like $100 to get in--to see they knew something was amiss.

"We tried to tell you."

For centuries, it has been believed animals have a sixth sense in predicting natural disasters. From as early as 373 B.C., historians recorded that animals deserted cities or left for higher grounds days before earthquakes or floods. Relatively few animals were killed in the Great Tsunami in Sri Lanka and India in 2004. They seemed to know what was about to happen and fled well in advance.

Now, you may not think that 2017 is such an out-of-control year. Maybe you like reality show
Presidents. Maybe you got jiggy with a mediocre musical movie. You may have always dreamed of an even bigger Big Mac. But, my God, man, LIFETIME REMADE THE MOVIE "BEACHES." Is this the kind of world you think is normal?!

The animals certainly don't think so. As I researched, I could see a trend. As late as September last year, our beastly friends were trying their best to give us a signal to open our eyes to what lay ahead. The methods they chose were a little unorthodox, and we probably wouldn't have paid them any mind, but they still tried. How, you ask? I'll give you three examples:

That's a big honking fish.

On Labor Day weekend, Miss Lisa Lobree, was strolling along a park in Philadelphia when, from out of nowhere, a CATFISH falls from the sky and beats her around the head and neck!

 “I think it might have [hit my] head, face, and neck because I smelled so bad afterwards. I smelled
See the mark under eye? Bless her heart.
disgusting,” said Lisa.

According to the report in the link above (the news video is included in the link), the fish fell from about 50 feet above, measured 18 inches, and weighed about 5 pounds.

I am not an expert on the city of Philly, but I am fairly certain there are not a lot of catfish flying around near the art museum.

When you get hit in the head by a catfish falling out of the sky in a major city, that is a sign of some sort. Just ask Lisa.

"Where's the beef? I'll show you where the beef is."

"Come at me, bro."
Also in September, an Australian bull tried to make humans take notice of the upcoming craziness upon us. He hooked his horn into the feet of the low-flying helicopter, causing the pilot to lose control of the aircraft. The result, as you can see, was a total loss of the copter, while the cow remain perfectly fine. Although the official story in the link above describes the helicopter crash as an accident, who is to say that the bull wasn't desperately trying to get the pilot's attention in order to make him tell the Americans to watch out. I bet the pilot, who survived the crash, may think so.

"Yum, another human lollipop."

Finally, the month of September ended with a poor 21-year old feller getting his pecker bitten by a Redback Spider FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR. This dude works construction, and has to use a porta-potty--which are themselves signs of the End Times, or at least they smell that way--when nature calls on the job. 

Being bit one time could easily be chalked up to coincidence or bad luck. I mean, it is totally within my luck parameters to be spider bit on my privates. In fact, I am a bit surprised it hasn't happened to me, yet. But, to be bit a second time, in the same spot, in the same type of bathroom, is too much. THAT
Not the actual man, but probably accurate face at time of bite.

"I'm the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment," the victim said. "I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time. I was like 'I can't believe it's happened again.' I looked down and I've seen a few little legs come from around the rim."

Are you unlucky, sir, or were you chosen by a Charlotte's Web-ish spider, albeit a sadistic one, to spread the message of impending disaster? I think you know the answer.

There you have it. The missed signals were given last September by our friends in the wild. Maybe someday we will be wise enough to open our minds and eyes to nature's wisdom, but until that happens, you can find me on my couch watching movies that should have never been remade and eating an extra bigly Big Mac.

Monday, June 13, 2016

The Best Facebook Posts Regarding the Orlando Shooting


I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am distraught.

I want to write about it. I want to write about it in a way that will make my feelings known in a clear and easily understood way. But right now, that isn't happening. Right now, I am writing tirades. I am writing rants.

I want to post something eloquent and meaningful on social media. But right now, I can't. All I can do is fight the urge to call out the stupidity and ignorance of people I have called friends for a long time.

Instead, I thought the easiest thing to do would be share some of the more moving, poignant, and thoughtful posts of my friends. These posts capture the exact thing I would like to say, and I am so happy to have friends who can speak on my behalf.

photo by Cyndi Williams

As Silas House said, "When we are not part of the love, we're part of the problem."

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Quiz: Who Said It? Archie Bunker or Donald Trump

Satire: noun

(An example from my cousin, Areola.)
The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature, irony, sarcasm

I love satire in all its forms. My new favorite thing is when someone reads a satirical online article, doesn’t realize it’s a joke, gets offended, and then shares it on Facebook. But the kicker is when they add a sentence or two of their own relaying their disgust and anger about the post. It makes my day! Three words: Hi.Lari.Ous.

Archie Bunker, the grumpy, bigoted lead character of the classic television show All in the Family, is one of the all-time best examples of satirical comedy. Archie was a conservative, misogynistic, homophobic, racist who said the things no one should ever say out loud. What made the series work is that the majority of Americans realized the joke, knew it was an exaggeration, and was able to laugh at Archie, not with him. Of course, most of the plot lines worked out so that Archie’s tirades were proven wrong. It was a sitcom after all.

Unfortunately, there was a small segment of the population who didn’t get the joke. They actually agreed with the things Archie Bunker said, and thought they were finally being given a voice in mainstream media. However wrong these people were, though, they remained silent and happily watched All in the Family with the rest of us. They didn’t try to make Archie into a cult hero or anything larger than a fictional television character.

The rise of Donald Trump in American politics is Archie Bunker 2.0—this time he’s serious. When
Trump first began his campaign, I laughed at it. I thought of the things he said and did as satire. I thought everyone was in on the joke. I had no idea people were taking him seriously. Had I posted anything on Facebook about it, I would have been one of the people who totally misinterpreted the accompanying article, except instead of thinking it was real, I would have been convinced it was a joke.

In fact, the two characters—one a fictitious satirical grump, and the other an apparent real candidate for President—are very similar. So much so, I decided to develop the following quiz. Go and take it and see if you can tell a difference in the two.


1. "It’s not supposed to make sense, it’s faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.”

2.  “[We have ] the highest standard of living. The grossest national product.”

3.  “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.”

4.  “That's how you got your Chinatown, your Harlems, your Little Italy...all those grettos.”

5.  “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

6.  “It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

7.  “The most successful painters are often better salesmen and promoters than they are artists.”

8.  "I was talking about the Bible which has nothing to do with the Jews."

9.  “Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers.”

10. Question: Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in the last 10 years were killed by handguns?
Answer: "Would it make you feel any better…, if they were pushed out windows?"


  1. Archie
  2. Archie
  3. Trump
  4. Archie
  5. Trump
  6. Trump
  7. Trump
  8. Archie
  9. Trump
  10. Archie

How did you do?

8-10 Correct: You are a master of separating fact from fiction! Nothing can slip by you, not even the nuances of two grumpy New Yorkers.

3-7 Correct: This category is for the majority of Americans. Most of the time, you can sniff out a b.s.-er when he is b.s.-ing, but you occasionally get tripped up by the better shysters.

1-2 Correct: Unfortunately, you fall in the Keith Stewart category. You fall for anything, and you most likely will post an article on Facebook that means absolutely the opposite of what you think.