Monday, November 26, 2018

2018 Inappropriate Christmas Gift List Part One

Friends and family, gather near. The time is upon us once again. You patiently endured Thanksgiving. You suffered through Black Friday. You tolerated Cyber Monday. Now the wait is over. Keith's 2018 Inappropriate Christmas Gift List is here! 

Because many of you are so helpful to send me suggestions throughout the year when items catch your eye, I am happy to announce that this year the list is so long I am able to post it in 2 parts. That's right, my friends, the inappropriateness is too much for just one list!

Without further ado, I present to you part 1 one the list. Each item is linked to a website in case you actually want to purchase the gift. You're welcome.

2018 Inappropriate Christmas Gift List Part 1

  •  Toilet Golf 
Because what we need in the bathroom are more toys and items. This gift may have not been so inappropriate in the early 1990's or sometime before the invention of smart phones. Today, though, it is clearly list-worthy. WHO DOESN'T TAKE HIS SMART PHONE WITH HIM TO THE BATHROOM? And if you say you don't have a smart phone, then you deserve inappropriate gifts this year.

Toilet Golf

  • Grow Your Own Set of Balls Kit
OK, yes, we all know someone who desperately needs to grow a pair. We all think to ourselves when we encounter this person in the office, on the ball field, at the grocery store, at church--wherever--"Please let XXX some day grow some balls." But under no circumstances should we purchase said balls for the person for Christmas. Even if they grow into a fine pair.

Grow Some Balls

  • After Dinner Willies
A few years back, chocolate anuses made the list, so when I saw these delightful chocolate penises, I knew they were bound for 2018 glory. Full disclosure, I purchased the chocolate anuses and gave a few out for gifts. I was correct in my assessment that they were inappropriate. Trust me, I am an expert on these things. No matter how sweet the taste, people will think small, edible penises are a strange gift.

After Dinner Willies

  • Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure
 Normally, action figures are a safe bet when buying Christmas gifts. However, not so much when you are buying for the lady who spends most of her time--even in public--in her pajamas, talking about her kids who are really her cats who are really taking over her house as we speak. She doesn't need reminded what you and the rest of the town think of her. Besides, look at the action figure. It LOOKS crazy, and so do the cats. Stay Away!

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

  • Hot Dog & Marshmallow Roasters
Sometimes form and function come together to make great products. Other times, it is overkill. Just because we CAN make marshmallows and hot dogs into anatomically correct roasting devices, doesn't mean we should. And furthermore, isn't a bit of a turn off to see both the items CHARRING IN THE FIRE?! Plus, in the picture, that wiener looks intimidating. It just does.


Hot Dog and Marshmallow Roasters

  • Dear Fatty Magnet
I will admit it. I may order one of these refrigerator magnets for myself. But, NEVER buy one for someone else. Sure most of us need this on the front of our fridge, but ain't none of us need someone else to buy it for us. OK?

Dear Fatty Magnet

  • Snow Globe Sweaters

We know cold weather brings cold nipples, and we know what cold nipple do. They poke out. Thus, all the old sayings: "My headlights are on." "My nipples are so hard I just keyed the car beside mine in the parking lot with them." OK, so maybe I made up the second one. Anyway, it happens. It is still inappropriate to buy little toboggans for the nips. No matter how cute they are. 

Snow Globe Sweaters

  • Gotta Go Poncho
I am not sure where one would be traveling where this poncho would be needed. Perhaps if you were the type who just did not like to use public bathrooms, this would be an option. I can't imagine anyone needing this for a Christmas gift, however. I mean, sure, after watching the video, I sort of want it for myself, but it still doesn't make it appropriate.

What video, you say? Check this out:

Whew! Had enough? Do you agree? Which one do you secretly want to order for someone? I mean, I would probably love all of them as gifts, but I am not the most sophisticated person in the world.
Stayed tuned for the 2018 Inappropriate Gift List Part 2 coming very soon. If you have any items you think should be included, please let me know! I am always on the lookout.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, June 4, 2018

Book Review: SOUTHERNMOST by Silas House

   After nearly ten years since the release of his last novel, Silas House returns to the literary scene this summer with Southernmost--Algonquin Books, $26.95--a story of compassion, redemption, and a man standing up for his beliefs in the face of turmoil.
            Asher Sharp, a hell-fire and brimstone Pentecostal preacher, and his young son, Justin, desperately fight to save their neighbors as a catastrophic flood devastates his small Tennessee hometown. The raging Cumberland river is literally washing away homes and businesses. Two men, engaged to each other and themselves victims of the flood, join in to help Asher and Justin save more people. When Asher learns the two have also lost their home to the flood, he offers to let them stay at his house with his family.
This decision sets in motion a series of not quite epiphanies, but more awakenings, in Asher and his belief system. As his mind opens and his world becomes larger, he soon realizes that his old way of preaching no longer works for him. Asher immediately feels the resistance to this change in his own family as well as his congregation. When a heart-felt, but ill-planned, sermon given by Asher is videoed and goes viral, he realizes the time for real change has come, whether he is ready or not.
This results in Asher planning what only a few months earlier would have been unthinkable: a not-exactly-legal road trip for him and his son to Key West, Florida. There, Asher hopes to find empathy, acceptance, and understanding for his crisis of faith, to show his son that the world is so much more than what he has been taught so far, and perhaps reconciliation with his older brother who was disowned by the family years ago for being gay.
Silas House is a master of dialogue and description. In fact, the description of driving through Georgia on the way to Florida is so perfect—from the religious billboards lining the interstate to the local roadside gas stations and diners—I feel like House stole the scenes directly from my memories.
House's descriptions of Key West are perfect.
The novel is lyrically written with poetic language that allows you to lose yourself in the pages. With his fresh, progressive approach, House is changing what a classic Southern novel looks like.
This is a timeless story of faith and family, as well as a timely tale of justice, equality, and acceptance. While this is a departure from Silas House’s other more Appalachian themed books, it is his best work to date. He captures the essence of the contemporary South beautifully without delving into the typical “grit-lit” that is currently so popular with the region’s authors.  In the years between novels, he has developed into one of the South’s best and bravest storytellers. SOUTHERNMOST is proof of that. 
Silas House
 Silas House's first public reading of Southernmost will be June 7th at Lexington's Brier Books at 6:00PM, located at 319 South Ashland Avenue.
To order a copy (even a signed copy if you wish), click here: ORDER SOUTHERNMOST
For more info on the reading, click here:  READING EVENT INFO
For a preview, click here and see a clip of Silas reading from Southernmost. If you have never heard him read, you are in for a treat: VIDEO CLIP OF HOUSE READING

Monday, February 12, 2018

2018 Inappropriate Valentine's Day Gifts

Valentine's Day is almost here!

IT IS ALMOST HERE. Do you have your well-thought-out, creative, one-of-a-kind gift purchased for your special boo? Have you scoured the pages of Pinterest to find THE perfect craft project that will let your love for your honey shine through? Have you read over thousands of greeting cards to find the one that says EXACTLY what you want to say to your lover on this special day? I certainly hope so, because IT IS ALMOST HERE.

If you haven't purchased your love-nugget a gift yet, might be the voice of reason and say just go with a heart box full of chocolate or some nice flowers. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING.

Inappropriate Valentine's Day Gifts

Penis Slippers

What can I say here to make you understand what a no-no this is for a gift? Really, the mere fact that one needs to tell you not to buy them, makes me question the fact you have a Valentine at all. Not only are they really ugly--the pubic hair alone is enough to make you gag--they are very impractical. I would imagine the phallus flopping along your shin would be very disconcerting, annoying, and would make you lose your balance.

Link to Penis Flip Flops

Toilet Products of Any Sort

Toilet paper has its place. It is a necessity, but it is never a gift item. Especially a gift for the most romantic holiday of them all. The last thing you want to do on Valentine's Day is remind your special someone that you poop. Period.

Link to Love Shit

Anything Emoji 
Showing up for your Valentine's Day date wearing this Emoji mask isn't funny. It is creepy. It doesn't say, "I am in love with you, and I want to have fun tonight!" It says, "I am psychotic, and you should run away from me while you still have a chance."

Link to Emoji Mask

Love Welcome Mats

Even if you lover is as dumb as a doorknob, he or she will not miss--at least subconsciously--the significance of being invited to wipe his or her feet on your heart. Don't do it.

Link to Heart Door Mat

Hot Shot Love Disc Shooter

Let me explain what will go down as soon as this gift is opened: 
Ouch! Oh, that’s cute, honey! Haha! I love you, too.
Ouch! I am yours, too! Okay? That's enough.
Ouch! Hey, let's play something else. Haha, Sweetie!
DAMN! Okay, give me that thing NOW!

Link to Love Message Disc Shooter


These things have been around as long as there have been Spencer Gifts in malls. I have never, ever understood the point of them or the attraction to them. No one wants to put on the same pair of underwear. It doesn't matter how hot you think you are, you are not hot enough to pull off this look. It is stupid, unsexy, and just plain dumb.

Link to Fundies

Any Diamond-Related Gift That Isn't A Ring

On Valentine's Day, the only thing should come in a ring-sized jewelry box is a diamond ring. In
This is actually a coffee cup. No.
particular, an engagement ring. No one wants a key chain with a glass solitaire. No one wants a coffee cup with a ring as the grip. No one even wants a freaking friendship ring on February 14th. Either bring out the good stuff or face the dire consequences. You have been warned.

link to Diamond Ring Coffee Mugs

Handmade Coupons 

Ain't nobody got time at all for some crappy homemade coupons that allows the recipient to redeem for "a long, wet kiss" or "a full body massage." No, no, no. Because you know why? The person giving these never intends to honor them. Ever. ESPECIALLY the ones that are a little more risque. You know that on April 24th, when you get home from a long day at work, the last thing you are going to do is allow your boo to cash in a "Tongue Bath" or whatever else you thought would be a good idea back in February. Not appropriate.

Any Dental Hygiene Products

Much like reminding your honey-badger that you poop, reminding them of your bad breath or poor dental health is another no-no. His and hers toothbrushes or water-piks should be off-limits for Valentine's Day gifts. More importantly, any product that promises to rid you of "tongue fur" is horrid. In fact, if your partner has tongue fur at all, you may need to reconsider the prospect of this being a long term relationship.

Link to Dental Hygiene 

Bad Language Ridden Stuffed Animals

Perhaps people think it is really funny to combine a cute, fuzzy stuffed animal wearing shirts with very adult sayings on them. I suppose they may have their place somewhere in the sphere of relationship gifts, but that place is not on Valentine's Day. VDay is not the time to mix up your mojo by trying to become all gansta or get some street cred by calling your friend a "bitch." Using the vehicle of a stuffed animal to do it pretty much guarantees a loss of not only street cred, but of all common decency. Don't take that chance.

Link to  bad language bears

To sum it all up, Valentine's Day is not a holiday to experiment with your gift giving. Sometimes, traditional gifts are fine. 99.9% of all people would rather get a box of Russell Stover's candy than a pair of slippers with the entire male sexual anatomy attached.

Stay away from this list and you should be just fine.

Happy Valentine's Day!